"Baby I got a plan, runaway fast as you can"

Yesterday was pretty boss.


I used to volunteer at the Atlanta Children's Shelter when I lived there and I loved the experience. Since then I have been looking for a similar opp to be a part of right now.  It seemed as if alot of the volunteer opportunities that I wanted to be a part of had a shitload of hoops to jump through before you could actually help someone. That, or they were only interested in your money and not your time. So when I finally found out about Stand Up For Kids, I was stoked. They are a nonprofit that provide resources to homeless youth across the country. I said I would definitely get involved with them because it seemed like their only intention was to help. Period.

About two weeks ago I recieved an email from them announcing an orientation type of meeting for interested volunteers so I jumped right on it.  I learned a lot about the organization and really felt some kind of connection and a sense of sincerity on behalf of the administrators of the meeting.  I was sold pretty easily. So when I recieved a text this week about doing some outreach, I was totally down.

Yesterday me and a couple of volunteers met in the park at Union Square to try to get the name of the organization out and possibly get information from the homeless there on where to find more kids.  We passed out flyers, cards, clothes and food to the homeless people that were scattered around the park and listened to their stories.  It was a mild experience being that it was around 10 am but it was still a lot to take in and think about.

There were mostly adult homeless people there and they told us that alot of the kids usually live 'underground' and don't come out until after midnite. I gathered that the kids probably tried to remain as invisible as society wished they actually were. When I went to see Kelly Cutrone the other day she randomly let off about how nonchalantly we ignore the homeless and dismiss them as either drug addicts or mental patients when often time, they are regualr people who fell on hard times. Alot of the young ones are leaving fucked up situations at home only to move on to even more fucked up situations on the streets. Its a lose/lose for alot of these kids.

I overheard another volunteer talking to a kid who wasn't homeless but apparently had a homeless friend who must have had issues staying in the shelters and was now moving from couch to couch.  It was a reality check for me. Homeless is a very broad term. It doesn't just mean that a person sleeps on the train or on park benches. You have some homeless kids who just 'spend the night' at a different house every night. You also have the 'surviving' homeless, like me in a way,  who are only one paycheck away from homeless.  Its crazy because most people feel like they are too loved, too smart or too whatever else to end up like that but you never know.

The older homeless people at the park also told us where we would most likely find homeless youth and that we need not go without the company of a man.  At first, I was thinking, Dude, don't play this sexist bullshit with me, but the man that was most adamant about it looked like one bad ass motherfucker. I figured he must know what the hell he's talking about, so I left it alone despite feeling very much like I'd eff somebody up if they even tried... 

There was this kid there (not a homeless one) that was filming this outing for a school project he was doing on homelessness in NYC. He asked me what made me want to do it and all I could manage to muster is 'I don't know'. That seems to be my answer to everything these days but its the truth. I don't know. I guess it gives me peace knowing that I am trying to be a part of the solution and not the problem.  Doing stuff like this also helps me keep things in perspective. It helps me remember the things that actually matter in life when I get absorbed in my own little superficial shit from time to time.




http://www.facebook.com/SUFKNY
newyork@standupforkids.org
 

"...and I might see you in my nightmare"

I'm giving up on giving up on boys. I had planned on bannishing the distraction-from-my-mission-causing asswads from my mental but I am failing epic-ly. And I hate it. I hate it so much that I had to blog about it. And I hate that I am about to dedicate yet another post to this bullshit exhausted ass topic. #thatsall

lol.

I've been listening to "See You In My Nightmares" by Kanye and Lil Wayne pretty heavy lately and .....Gosh, I'm such a fucking basket case. You ever try to make yourself NOT like someone? Shits harder than the SAT's.

I mean, let's back this up for a second. I really don't even think I like this jackass. What the hell does like entail exactly, anyways?  I mean, how can you like a person you don't even know like that? Right? Impossible. Maybe I like what I think he is. And what do I  think he is? Fucking awesome I don't know. Right now he is my fucking nightmare. I hate him. I need his head on a platter.

Uggghhhhhhhh.

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

And here I am trying to break up with someone I never even dated. I need a shrink. I'm irreparably deranged. And this is why I hate it when I like someone. I like being romantically numb, like Gucci Mane says he is :). This shit is NOT in the game plan. Liking someone is not allowed on this newyorkcitymission. That wasn't on the itinerary. So what shall I do? I am going to commit every fraction of my existence to deleting this 'situation' from my memory. I have too much real shit on my agenda to be liking someone right now :)

excuses, excuses.

I wish Kanye was my friend in real life.

"Okay I'm back up on my grind
You do you and I'm just gon' do mine
You do you cause I'm just gon' be fine
O.kay I got you out my mind
And the night is young
The drinks is cold

The stars is out

I'm ready to go"

 

"I was a lil different, I didn't do what the fast girls dooo..."

   I think I'm an alien. Real shit. I think I come from another planet or something. I have always felt different but after this conversation that I had last night, I think I'm another species altogether.

   Somehow I ended up engulfed in a conversation about girls (broad, I know) and basically how horrible they/we are. This conversation consisted of three guys, a twenty year old girl and myself. From the stories I heard from these guys about sorry-excuses-for-women, I was kinda like, Damn! Me, nor any of my besties are anything like this idea that they have of ALL women. But as I began reflecting, I could actually understand why they would find such a broad ass generalization like that to be true. There ARE alot of douchebag girls out there. I'm no saint, and I definitely have doucher capabilities in certain situations, but I'm not as bad as they made girls out to be.

   All the talk of girls being sneaky and envious just made me feel some type of way. Perhaps it's because I found it to be partially true, and that bothered me. And at the same time, I was reassured of how dope me and mine are for not being stereotypical assholes. I always thought we were a different breed but I kind of forget from time to time.  It isn't until someone is astonished by the fact that my "price" (don't ask) is a billion dollars minimum that I remember just how different I am. It isn't until I naturally shy away from slut-talk and have a room full of practical strangers staring at me like, 'WTF? Why aren't you sharing?', that I remember just how different I am.... No judgement...And I definitely enjoy hearing your perv stories...But I'm just saying.

   It's just crazy that there are so many chickenhead girls nowadays. Like, if you take a net and snatch up ten girls, at least six of them are gonna be birds. I really sound like a womanbasher right now, I know, but I just can't believe it.  Society is filled with chickenheads masquerading as real women.  Truly BOSS bitches are so rare and hard to find that people don't even know how to take them when they're standing in front of them; they almost seem like a phony, to good to be true.  I don't know what it is, but I swear I wish there were more of those type of chicks. I want more Solange's, Janelle Monae's, Kelis's, etc. But I guess they wouldn't be so great if they came a dime a dozen, correct?  I think a lightbulb just went off.

   Ahh, fuck. Its 8am. Just got in from work. I'm sleep deprived. Let's see if I have all these opinions after I've had some rest.

Hey, this is where my head is right now.

In the words of Beyonce, "...Boy,I'm just play-ing/ Come here, bay-bee/ Hope you still liiike me...Eff you, PAY ME" :)

I was a little different;

I didnt do what the fast girls do

Studied my rhythm.....

Now you can speed me up when you want to

 

I'm an alien from outer space
I'm a cybergirl without a face a heart or a mind

Im a saviour without a race (without a face)

They've come to destroy me

"walk, walk fashion, baby"

Normal Gets You Nowhere

   It's offical. Head bitch in charge, Kelly Cutrone, told me so. Well, me and about a million other folks in the form of her new book with that title.

   I lovethisbitchdotcom. I can't even really put it into words. She is another one of those women who makes her own rules that I love. She does nothing 'by the book'. She has mastered the art of balancing all of the contradicting personality traits that comes with being a woman.  She's tough, bold, painfully honest, compassionate, opinionated, creative, and she says "fucking" almost as much as I do.

   As far as what she 'does'...she's like the fairy godmother of fashion kids. Technically, she's a PoweR bitch, a PR head honcho in the fashion world. She owns People's Revolution, a fashion PR company that represents alot of boss ass fashion lines (Jeffrey Campbell included). She's also had her own show on Bravo (Kell on Earth) and was always on The City with Whitney Port.

   I read her first book, If You Have To Cry Go Outside and I fell in love. I bought it on the Barnes and Noble app I had and I will never do that again. I purchased the thing on my old iPod Touch but when I got my iPhone, the purchase was lost. Anyways, back to the story. The book was fucking awesome. It was the story of her life, in a nutshell. It was full of advice about how to manuever through life and handle some of the bullshit situations you often find yourself in.

I need to read that book again.

   Well, she had a book reading/signing at the Barnes and Noble in Tribeca yesterday and I actually went. I could've shit myself. I was so stoked. She showed up in all black, of course, and gave me (and everyone else there) a free session, in the form of a q & a.  I was too fucking nervous to ask my burning question of "what the fuck do I do next? And how do I shut up that little bitch in the back of my head that keeps telling me that maybe I don't have what it takes?"....I know.

   Nonetheless, I pulled some inspiration and guideance from the event. I even caught alot of it on my phone and will attempt to post it as well (but we know how that goes).

Meantime, I'm gonna let my freak flag flow.

"Turn up the lights in here baby, Extra bright, I want y'all to see this"

I saw Beyonce!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously.

I. Saw. Beyonce. In Real Life.

Let me explain...

I have a tendency to find out about things happening in the city and just blow it off. Yesterday, I was bitching about the Kid Sister/Pusha T show, Vashtie Kola's b-day bash and Lupe's THREE gigs that I missed last week because of various BS reasons. That, on top of me missing Kelis, Nas, MIA, and Nina Sky all doing shows for less than $20 a few months ago had brought me to the conclusion that I needed to get it together. I told my sister how much I end up regretting it every time I missed/skipped something and I said I wouldn't do it again.

As soon as we got off the train in BK from a shopping trip to the city, I saw, on Twitter, a photo of Beyonce and Jay-Z arriving at the Met museum. I had remembered blogging (tumblr) about Daphne Guinness doing some performance art piece in the window of a store on 5th Ave for the Alexander McQueen exhibit that the museum was doing. I eventually put two and two together and hauled ass back to Manhattan.

I wasn't convinced that we'd (me and my sis) actually get anywhere near the museum, let alone close enough to see anything....Thank God I was wrong. As soon as we got to Park Avenue we could see the lights. If Kanye's song would've been playing, it would have been thee perfect moment. We literally ran..full speed...an entire block.




There was a crowd of folks just like us standing across from the red carpet. We found a spot and started going nuts. My memory of what happened after that is just as blurry as the pictures I attempted to take with my shitty camera.

The first person I spotted was Keri Hilson. She looked like a bonafide white woman. She was beautiful. I just thought she was a white lady at first. She was actually standing with a guy at the curb waiting for her car. After that, I saw everyone.

Marc Jacobs
Vera Wang
Diane Von Furstenburg
Naomi Campbell and Iman left together
Chanel Iman
Zoe Saldana (fucking gorgeous times a bajillion)
Kristen Stewart
Gisele and Tom Brady
Cassie
John Legend and his girl
LA Reid
Rachel Roy and Amare Stoudemire were together (I guess for their new line)
Carolina Herrara ( I got a pic)
Grace (the bossiest chick in the fash mag game)
Swizz Beatz ( we couldn't make out Alicia)
Carmelo Anthony and Lala (they got in a Maybach with suicide/butterfly/whateverthefuck doors)
Yoko Ono
Dakota Fanning
Leighton Meester (who was really bubbly and actually walked alongside the crowd and down the street to her car with....
Chace Fucking Crawford! (no words.)
Fergie
Pat McGrath

and....

the most memorable ones of the night

Sarah Jessica Parker
Rihanna
Pharell
Beyonce and Jay Z

I'm done.

"I think I need a barber, none of these bitches can fade me"

Never on schedule, but always on time. I love Beyonce. It seems as if everyone on the internet was hating really hard yesterday when the unfinished version of her new single dropped, but today the final cut was released and, whoa. Even if you don't like the track, you can probably already imagine that the video is going to be epic.

I'm a stan, I know.

Anyways, I'm in love. I needed to hear this shit, not just because it's a Bey song, but because of the message. I think I'm starting to get a little jaded in some ways that I don't like.  I haven't been feeling like a boss lately but this is helping me get my mind right :). I can't wait until my friends hear this. I'm feeling way too empowered right now. Crazy. 

Twenty-first century girls are like real life Barbies. We can do anything. Often times, we do everything. Well, at least the good ones.  I know I'm goin hard right now, but this is an anthem.

"Some of them men think they freak this like we do

But no they don't

Make your cheque come at they neck

Disrespect us no they won't

This goes out to all my girls that's in the club rocking the latest

Who could buy it for themselves and get more money later

I think I need a barber

None of these bitches can fade me

I'm so good with this

I remind you i'm so hood with this

Boy, i'm just playing

Come here, baby

Hope you still like me :)"

She wrote that just for Andrita.

"It's hot up in here,  DJ don't be scared to run this run this back

I'm repping for the girls who're taking over the world have me raise a glass for the college grads
This goes out to all the women getting it in get on your grind

To other men that respect what I do please accept my shine

Boy, you know you love it how we're smart enough to make these millions

Strong enough to bear the children then get back to bidness

You better not play me, oh come here baby

Hope you still like me, if you hate me"

She wrote this right here for my homies :)

"I'm off on an adventuuuurrrre...."

Thank God for my iPhone.

My sanity has soley rested on the reliabilty of my iPod.  That, and my introduction to FrostWire (which isn't all that reliable but it's free so I need not complain). Oh, and let me not forget about this kid at my job who keeps putting me on to new sh*t. And now it's 4 am and I'm bored, so I figure I'd share.

My therapy includes
Mary J Blige- Be With You
                      I'm the Only Woman
                      You Bring Me Joy
I mean, I guess it's safe to say the entire 'My Life' album.  I hate boys.



Kid Cudi- Mr. Rager
The story of my freakin life.



Tupac- Pour Out A Little Liquor
            So Many Tears
            Temptations
Don't ask.  That line in the second one, "...lately I've been really wantin' babies/so I can see a part of me that wasn't always shady" is hitting a little too close to home these days.



Bone Thugs N Harmony- Notorious Thugs
My insides go crazy when the second verse comes in.



Lupe Fiasco- Joaquin Pheonix
                     Real
Because that is my husband and I must support him. And it's dope.



N.E.R.D- Don't Worry About It
"so baby, don't fool wit me, if ya don't wanna give it up, don't worry about it"....nuff said.



Florence + the Machine- My Boy Builds Coffins
Mellows me out before work. Makes me wonder what the hell kind of men this bitch deals with...cuz I want one. Kidding.



Jhene Aiko- Popular
Reminds me of this obnoxious too-cool-for-school type I almost fell for. Ew.



Yeah Yeah Yeahs- Soft Shock



No Doubt- Artificial Sweetener
I, too, "am guilty for leasing myself out/ Not ready to go up for sale/ Can't seem to give it up/ Stubborn, so self/ I'm showing off the worst in me"



Tyga- Lap Dance
I can appreciate a little ignorance. Ass so fat, I need a lapdance. lmao.



Dirty Money- Lookin' For Love
I'm not. Jus sayin'.



 Pusha T- Speakers Going Hammer Freestyle



Pharrell and Kanye West- Number One
"She might not be nothing to you but she the shit to me".....oh and, "I'ma Fed-Ex my love and have you sign for my heart" :0)  I'm a sucker for this shit.



Lil Wayne- All Night



Janice Joplin- Cry Baby
One day I really wanted to cry but nothing would come out so I just played this.  It  must've worked because I can't even remember what the hell had me feeling bad in the first place :/


 now I have to go add "Look Who's Talking" to my queue on Netflix lol

....and thats about it :)

"..wanna see my gun go bang, bang, bang, bang"

My favorite Brazilian is moving back to Brazil :(

Thank goodness she thought enough of me to hang out one last time before she leaves Monday. I don't know what I'm gonna do without her lol. This girl ALWAYS knows all the cool stuff to do in the city. And she's the ONLY person that ever got me dancing in the club all night long (if you've seen my moves, you know why I don't even bother). And she's one of those dance-to-the-beat-of-their-own-drum types. Not to get all homo, but this chick is dope and she will truly be missed.

She invited me to a mixtape release party for this Trouble Andrew guy that I'd never heard of but was still down for nonetheless. I YouTube'd the kid and I actually ended up liking his shit. I don't really wanna ruin it by trying to describe it, so:




well, at least, I like it.

It was at this bar called Don Hill's on the LES. I had no clue what the dress code called for but when my friend said she was gonna look like a "white African Queen", I knew what time it was. I decided I'd be a black Indian princess.

Naturally I got lost on my way there. The A train was on its period or something and just skipped the Spring St stop. Then I ended up walking like a million blocks in the wrong direction! Mind you, its maybe 20 degrees outside and I have on fucking sequined leggings. Quick detour: the leggings.OMG. On the train, there was a group of schoolers on there tryna Waka Flocka Flame my ass!!! One kid was all, "Where are YOU goin" and shit. I sat facing the opposite direction of them and acted like I didn't hear it but I was dying laughing. They got me.

Back to the story.

So I get there and they give me a swag bag. You know bitches love free shit so I was too excited (even if it was only filled with stickers and mixtapes of folks I aint never heard of). Then I see my friend, who is standing with her one friend I already met, who is standing with his two friends looking like a gang of black hipsters. My friend got a beer ("the hipster beer") and since I didn't care to be the drunk or sober one for the night, I got one too. I hate beer so I just roger'd what she got. By the time I got cash from the ATM she had already sat down somewhere leaving me to order for myself, which I also hate. Don't judge. Then I realized I couldn't pronounce the name of the effing beer. I remembered seeing 'Blue Ribbon' on the can but I wasn't sure if I could just be like, "Hey, can I get a Blue Ribbon?". Maybe 'Blue Ribbon' is like the 'Cola' of beer? And you certainly can't tell the man at McDonald's, "Yeah, I'll have a 'Cola' with that".

.....

yeah.

So I just said "Pabst" really fast and though it sounded alot like "Paps", the guy gave me what I wanted.

I never understood how people get drunk off beer but me only having a bowl of Fruity Pebbles in my system for the day + the hipster brew= a nice lil buzz. I looked up an saw this model chick that I'd did hair for a few weeks ago (pics will come soon). She looked so much like Zoe Kravitz it was scary. I was momentarily obsessed back then. I didn't say shit to her though tonite. But yeah, there was alot of cool looking people there. There was this one guy who had to be like seven feet tall. My friend made a nasty joke about him that I'll refrain from retelling (in the event my Daddy decides to read this ish one day). He was tall, though...

The place started smelling like weed and I guess that was the signal that the show was about to start so we headed up to the stage. A bunch of acts performed. One guy looked like the black hipster (and I promise I wont use that word again in this one story,geez) version of Lil Jon. When he was done with his set (?) he  walked off the front of the stage and through the crowd. He kind of stopped in front of me like he was gonna say something. He had his hand on my waist, so I assumed it meant 'Move', and I did. Away from him lol.

Trouble Andrew finally came out (in tweed pants and suspenders) and I enjoyed his performance. Then my friend started freaking out that this Ninja Sonik dude was in the building. He performed. I'm not saying shit about him because he seems like the type that would hunt me down and kill me if I had anything negative to say.

Moving on.

Well, actually, thats it. I went to the dirty diner by the crib for breakfast (at 3am) and then I walked my ass back home.

 I fucking love this city.

C'mon let your colours burst!

Don't you just love it when you actually DO the things you say that you wanna do? I swear its like a pat on the ass, "Good job, self!"

Last Friday I put my money where my mouth is and got my septum pierced.  I was scared shitless but I felt like I HAD to/NEEDED to do it.  I had been talking about it for ages to the point where even my boss was like, "dude, wtf? when are u doing it already?" (well, she ain't really say all that, but she she implied it). I had asked everyones opinion (which actually didn't even matter) what they thought about it and despite the overwhelming NO YOU'RE GONNA LOOK LIKE AN ANIMAL responses I got, I decided it was crucial to go through with it.

I was gonna go out to Queens to this little cheapie spot on Jamaica Ave but, well, thats like going to the other side of the universe from Brooklyn, so I Googled it, naturally.  About .20 seconds later, I found the perfect place.

I saw the website for Maria Tash's Soho shop and it looked too legit to quit. It had all this talk about 'celebrity clients' and the price for what I wanted done was only $30. And it was in Soho. So hoe, I went in.

The place looked like a high end jewelry store, with chandeliers, glass cases, and white walls. I thought I was in the wrong place.  Then I peeped the artwork of some blonde chicks snorting diamonds, and the salesperson had these sick dermals on his arms and a straight bar through his septum. I also saw a thick binder full of pictures of the owner with all of her celeb clients (Uma Thurman, Christina, Britney, Jessica Alba, Penelope Cruz, etc). Then I was all, 'Aiiight, I guess I'll stay'.

The salesperson approached me and I asked him to give me some info on septum piercing, right? Well, of course I had to be all dramatical and whatnot so I told the guy how I was scared off my ass that there would be some freak accident and I'd bleed to death. I kept to myself that I also feared I'd lose my sense of smell kinda like people who get their boobs done and lose feeling in their nipples. He assured me that I'd be fine and started showing me thee most bossiest septum rings (?) I could've imagined. The cutest ones were like full circles with stones all around them. Bet bitches wouldn't say I looked like a bull with this shit right here! I was all set. Piercing itself was thirty and by this time I had already figured out that I'd have to pay for the jewlry seperately. Cool. How much is my lil bling gonna run me? I shouldn't really go over $30, but you know, this is my FACE we're talking about. And the salesguy kept reiterating it'd better be something I love

cuz I'd have to live with it for two months blah, blah, blah.....

"Those start at about $250"

Silencio.

This kid starts talking diamonds and silvers and shit while I'm standing there like I blew a bubble and someone literally pulled out a pin and popped it. Eff it, in my head I had imagined leaving out with the regular bull-looking ring anyways. He showed me the lil bitch ass plain ones and $40 later I was ready to check out. After they conned me into buying some magic saline wipes and tipping my piercer before I even met them, I was out of damn near $100. I should've took my arse to Queens.

They sent me up this narrow staircase that lead to one sofa and two doors. There were a few people ahead of me as well as people in the rooms behind those two doors. I waited for an eternity. I had talked myself in and out of going through with it maybe a hundred million times. I had made a game of guessing who was getting what pierced and who was just there for support.  I had no support, of course ('cuz I'm a boss lol) but one of the girls in front of me brought a supporter who almost vomited on my Chuckers due to nausea. Can you say FAIL? There was also a lady there who was getting 'IT' pierced. I figured it out because she had on this dress that was just too awkward for a warm, NYC evening at a piercing place. That, and well, the piercer lady came and told me how she can't get my jewelry from the one room because there was a genital piercing getting done. I also heard some girls down the stairs talking about when they got their 'IT's done.  I guess thats what all the cool kids are doing these days.

Finally the doors opened, the freaky lady left and it was my turn. Thank goodness the piercer I got was a little hottie. Within minutes I was on my back (#pause) and I remember repeating to myself, "You better not fucking cry!".  I kept my eyes closed through the entire thing. Had I seen what he was planning on doing to me, I probably would've ran. Most of it was actually painless- except for the part that was excruciatingly painful. I was fine until he told me to take a deeeeep breath. I ain't no fool. I knew what that shit meant. Luckily, that part only lasted long enough for me to say "Oh, Shit!" and he was done. I didn't even have enough time to really curse myself out for doing such an idiotic, pointless, impulsive thing to my mug. Thank God.

I was in complete aftershock for the entire rest of the day. It felt like every mirror I looked into was lying to me. I was in utter disbelief. I've had my nose pierced before but it was the normal Tupac one :). Immediately I had feelings of "Why did I do this?" and then I grew to love it. With this one, I was on the fence for about two days. Now, I am inlovedotcom. That first day, a few folks had some slick shit to say and I'm not gonna front, I was feeling some kind of way about it. Then, this girl who was 100% AGAINST me getting it said to me, "It looks really cute....That is so YOU!!!..." and just like that I remembered....

I'm a fucking FIREWORK!*!*!*!

Doing the things that I want to do is what I do best. Letting other people's bullshit issues/norms/insecurities rub off on me is sooo late. My life right now revolves around change as well as my pursuit of self and happiness. That's really all that matters.

p.s. pray you never have to be around me when this song comes on. you won't recognize the white girl I morphe into lol

Wheeerre's Yoourrr Heeaad Attttttt?

If you've ever worked retail, I'm sure you're familiar with the term 'inventory'. At some point throughout the year most retail stores do an in-depth one where they pretty much count every single thing they actually  have on hand and compare it to what they should have on hand.  These measurements/calculations (or whatever you want to call it) are then used to help the company learn about itself and grow (seriously, I just left work and I'm NOT trying to get too in detail about this shit for the sake of this story).

But....

Every now and then I like to apply this principle to my life. Like now. I would look at what I have (not material shit, duh), what I want to have, and what I'm doing to make the two meet. Then I would devise a plan based on what I'm not doing and put it into motion.

 When I start to feel lost, unmotivated, directionless or confused I usually retreat. In the past, I'd stop whatever I'm doing and start fresh. It's always been easier that way than to try to sift through the catastrophe that is my normal life and try to make some sense of it. I'd re-draft my life 'plan' (trust, I use the word 'plan' VERY loosely) and reschedule my goals and shit.  This time is different though. I'm not trying to start over. I think I've grown out of that phase. I almost like where I am in life right now. I want to reconstruct/upgrade it, not detroy and rebuild it.

I'm not sure I know how to do that.
I need a therapist.
Do you know anybody?




but....

On the flip side of that, I see myself making progress as far as my personality and character goes.

Its so weird. Sometimes its almost as if I'm standing outside of myself watching me transform into this almost entirely new woman. And its happening so naturally that it's freaking me out. I'm starting to become who I always wanted to be without even trying at all. Some of the quirks I had for years and years are slowly disappearing. I've become alot more assertive in my old age (ha!), a little more direct and even though I'm not exactly where I want to be with it, I'm seeing more bravado coming out in little spurts.

I love this part of growing up.

 
So back to the topic.

I'm feeling some kind of thing coming on.. I dont know what to call it though. It's not a spiritual enlightenment. It's not a reinvention. It's not a detox. I just want to get re-centered. I want to get more in-tune with myself. Real talk, reading this blog (especially the ones about crushes) got me a little annoyed with myself.  Who cares if some doucher knows or dont knows :) my name? Fuck I look like?

 

The boycrazy look does not fit me well. I'm quite embarrassed.

 

Moving on *Tim Gunn voice*

This shall be a work in progress. I don't actually think I need to lay a plan down for what I plan to do with myself....well, actually, maybe I should. 

Meanwhile...

 

C.R.U.S.H

You know how when you're watching videos on YouTube, there's that little list of 'Suggestions' on the right side? Well, somehow I ended up watching a series of videos from this guy with this hot accent.  At first, it was purely for shallow entertaining purposes but then I started to listen and figured he may be on to something.




I'm not gonna lie, it's kind of bullshit but given my current predictament I need not throw rocks from my glass house. I have developed yet another kindergarten crush (I hate that the 'boy crazy' phase just hit me at 24) and the damn fool doesn't even know I exist. I think. Until I saw this one.
 



Proximity, Touch, Body Language, Smile.
Fuck if I know, man! I think I have like two out of those four going with this guy. I swear I wish I knew how to read minds right now.  Or that I was some enchanted seductress lady or something. Or that I had enough balls to just go for it.
 



Yeah, right. Who does that anyways?!?
 
Never in one miiiiilliooon years would I ever put myself in a position to be played so brutally like that. And I don't get why people act like I'm the looney one for not going up to a guy all like, "Hey, I'm new in town, show me around/ Can I call you/Do you wanna hang out?". Can you imagine? What if the guy is like, "Um, no thanks/I dont like you like that" lmfao. I'd be mortified. For some God forsaken reason, I just think thats a lil lame with a hint of desperation, you know, for girls.Only in situations like the one I'm in though. I've been around this kid for what seems like forEVER and never really talked much to him until I realized I might think he's hot. Now, quite naturally, I can't speak to him at all. He has to cease to exist immediately. Or show some interest in me as well. One or the other. Or maybe I could stop being a drama queen, take the stick out of my ass and live a little. But thats a big maybe.
 
I HATE having crushes. It is soooooo gay, no homo. I hate feeling all smiley and shit around folks and not being able to even say someones name. I hate actively trying to not make an ass of myself. I hate running out of rooms and ducking under tables when I see people. Basically I hate the freakshow that I become when I have a crush.
 
 And for what? My crushes never last that long. I had a friend say to me "What? Did he wear the wrong shoes or something?" when I told her that I didn't have a crush on this one guy anymore. I swear there is some psychological shit behind me not ever wanting to evolve pass the 'crush' phase. I dont know, they just fade. I would think that would fall under my 'freakshow' file but I saw this vid which reassured I'm not the only re-re who thinks like this.
 



This video is a mouthful. He's right about this whole 'crush' business. And as far as I know, of the 5 ways to tell he's not interested in you, I only have one :) :he doesn't know my name. And the whole part about how its dumb being into someone thats not into you.....well he can kiss my ass on that one.  Jk. He's right. This guy I'm crushing could possibly be an asshole, which is why it took me over three months to actually pay attention to him and see how hot he is.  But, I mean, it's just a fucking crush. Who cares? I do, a lil. Or at least enough to not ever speaketh a word to my mans.
 
Nah, I'm good. It's funner this way :)
 



C is for your confidence, Boy I love the cool in you


R is for rumors they make, I wish that they were true

U, you put a smile on my face, you're unforgettable

S is for your sexiness

H I gotta have it

I gotta crush on you, I love me some you

I don't see no-body

When I visited Detroit last month I got the chance to hang out with one of my favorite people in the world, my faux bro Jarrod. Usually when we hang out, I'm in his world. Gay bars/clubs, drag shows, parades, the whole nine. But this time, for the first time, he came over to Straightland to spend time with me and my two normal friends at MGM casino on a Saturday night.

Ensembled in complete IDGAF attire we strutted on in, he in aqua skinnies and knockoff Maison Martin Margiela sunnies (that I had just given him) and me in all black, cape and nerd spectacles included. I was determined to make the night chock full of fun.

After tiring of watching people win/lose money and losing a bit ourselves, we readied to leave after about an hour. So, this is actually where the story begins. As we're walking towards the door, I was starting to have some kind of epiphany. I was looking around like, damn, at one point in my life, this scene wouldve probably impressed me. People watching at the casino used to be my shit. Now it just seemed pathetic, as if everyone was attempting to put on a show but no one was actually accomplishing it. In the midst of this epiphany, I start hearing lil shit. Then I start noticing looks and laughs.

I'm hearing comments about Lenny Kravitz, sweetness and all kinds of "hellll naawwll"-s...all directed at my boo. While my face is doing all types of contortions, bloods boiling and minds tryna find the most perfect, disrespectful, ego butchering response that wont get us killed, Jarrod is stalking through that bitch like we're auditioning for America's Next Top Model. Head high, glasses on, satchel swaying.

I was stunned.

I've never really beasted on ANYONE just out of the blue like that, let alone on grown men who could easily take me out the game with one swift move but right then, I was ready for whatever. Bitch grew balls in like 2.5 seconds. These bitches were not about to disrespect my friend like that when he didnt even do anything to provoke them other than be himself. But when I saw my friend so unphased by it, I decided it was just best that I shut the fuck up. So I lifted my head a lil higher and did my best strut right behind him. I didnt say anything to him about it but I couldnt help but obsess about it in my head.

There have been so many occassions that he's called me with stories about homophobic assholes coming at him any kind of way at his job and in his personal life. I always listen in utter shock and try to visualize it happening in my head. I always try to come up with a solution or a way that he could've handled the situation.

Seeing it in person completely blew mine. I think it was that moment that I realized just how difficult it must be to be him. To have to deal with that shit while you're just trying to pursue your own personal happiness?Fuck.Outta.Here. It just really made alot of shit click for me. Hearing stories about people killing themselves over not being accepted and/or being tormented because of their sexual orientation used to put me in an almost disturbing mindset. On one hand, I would feel fucked up that someone lost their life behind something like that but on the other hand I would feel like people needed to get a little more backbone (pause) in their lives. Now, I think its all bullshit. Regardless of the haters, Born This Way is boss on the strength of the message alone that she's putting out there for people who dont already embrace the importance of loving oneself first and truly not giving a shit if other people can fuck with that. Jarrod became a true boss in my book that night. Now that I think about it, the way he handled it was pretty fucking dope. He moved through a room full of haters as if they werent even there, as if they didnt even matter, which was appropriate because they didnt.

i dont see no-body