"Man, these kids wear crowns over here"

bust it.

let me just take a moment to give drizzy drake some love. i  heard an old record of his that came out before i left detroit and it  sent me to a warm place (it also sent me into a pre 2013 drake listening session). i may or may not have a drake quote on deck for every emotion, event, instagram caption, tweet, status, blog post ever in life. no one gets me like drake does.

ok, not really, but really. don't judge me.

ah, the trials and tribulations of being a twenty something. a kid in search of self. a person on a pursuit of happiness. and all the superficial and all consuming distractions/setbacks that you meet along the way. 

im closing in on year 27 of my life. 
27 was special. 27 was scary. 27 was everything.

i spent a great deal of this year being an angsty little twat stuck in her second pathetic teenagehood- complaining about first world problems one minute and trying to think of a way to change the society the next. seriously. i also often found myself straddling a thin line between feeling super accomplished and feeling like an utter failure. but ultimately i learned that thats pretty fucking normal for andrita, so yeah. such is life.

i got in my own way a lot this year. put my foot in my mouth a bit this year. i chose to do shit my way (aka the hard way)a lot at 27, too, always finding comfort and refuge in the fact that I'm 'an artist', so its fine.

bullshit.

at 28, i hope to take heed to everything my old heads, mentors, oracles, stars and crystal balls tell me. I'm gonna put my own stank on it, of course, but I WILL OBEY in this next chapter. Doing shit your own way is fun and fulfilling and all that but being a broke ass with no IRA or passport fucking SUCKS. Im abandoning Team Starving Artist.

ha. I'm only half serious about that one. 27 was an unstable mindfuck that required me to call on every life lesson I've ever learned but I honestly had a good time, a great time. And I'm closing out on a good note, optimistic and grateful for what I've experienced and whats in store next.

Transitionin' from Standing Out to Fitting In

You know how when you have a low moment in life and all you want to do is dial up your closest people and just...talk?

And no one answers?

Thats the fuckin worst, bruv.

And then there you are, all hypersensitive and shit, left to sort out your latest mid life crisis in absolute solitude.  

Fuckityfuck.

And you know that even if they DID answer the gotdamn phone, there would probably be little to no understanding or solution to whatever latest debacle you're going through today.

You dont care. You just want to be assured that someone is there. Thats it.  Even if they cant do a motherfucking thing, you just want them to hold the phone and listen. Or better yet, at least pretend that you're not a kook and you're complete rightgeous in feeling however it is that you feel or believing whatever it is that you're believing.  

Like when you barely have two nickels to your name but you're working like a MVP. And you know that money is coming- lots of it. You have the invoices to prove it. But until that unbeknownst-to-man day comes, you're living on magic beans. And, truthfully speaking, you almost dont even mind it because you're in love with the overall nature of your life. But no one else gets it. And no one else seems to want to hear that shit. And that shit is usually the straw that breaks the camels back when it comes to your ability to persevere. Fuckin holdin on to the dream gets really real when no one is seeing or believing the shit but your sole unstable ass.

If it weren't for that one time you were prepared to put your very last ten bucks for dinner on the counter and the cashier told you your total was only fifty-nine cent due to some invisible coupons that you didnt even know you earned on that bum ass rewards card on your keychain....

If it weren't for that one time your dont-see-often friend (rather bewitchingly)hit you up for dinner/movie ON THEM when you you thought you were gonna be forced to spend another afternoon at home contemplating getting a job at McDonalds or entering the sex trade....

If it weren't for the fact that doors have consistently and continuously been flying open and ways have been made repeatedly throughout your journey....

you might've given up by now. 

But thank God you know better than that.

Because if you can't handle not having someone to pat you on the back and tell you every things going to be ok then how in the hell are you gonna handle all the proverbial slaps in the face that you will certainly continue to get while trying to carve out a career and life in this city? How will you deal when you show up to a gig and you're the only splash of melanin on the entire set? Or when you're surrounded by people who absolutely refuse to be real and instead propel lifestyles of very real materialistic wealth but faux happiness (or the dyslexic ones who are genuinely happy to boast fake/short term material wealth)? How will you handle the people who are only in your life to keep tabs on you and not actually support a single thing you do? The ones who are only interested in keeping their foot in your neck? 

I'm still only at the beginning of my journey but I can very well see the many pitfalls that stand between me and my dreams and Im just hoping I dont fall into one of them.

Over My Dead Body

*Le Sigh*

Who needs a shrink when you have a pen and paper? Or the internet? 

I stopped writing this way for a while.  And it showed. But I've picked it up again and I'd like to think I'm at my best with it now.

So yeah, into the mind of a creative, a Capricorn, a twenty-five year old, a dreamer, a girl......

It gets pretty complex up there sometimes.  So much so that shit just fades to black sometimes and theres nothing going on up there at all. Then it comes pouring back tenfold.

Writing should be mandatory. If not for everyone, at least for me.  Shit could sit on my mind for months with no closure but once I transfer it to paper (or computer) I'm instantly relieved.  

I could hate myself for being so in my head all the time.  I could let it drive me crazy. I could drown myself in drugs and psychologist bills. Or I could just hide from it.

But really, what would be the point? 

Even though it rarely seems so, I think your thoughts are all related/connected. And if you work through just one, you end up uncovering some shit about another. I guess thats the scary part. 

The exposure.

Exposure> Vulnerability> Pain> Some kind of death.

I'm not built for any of those things.  No one is. But the fear isn't worth the sacrifice. Or at least thats the lesson I'm trying to get through to myself. I don't think any of those things are escapable. And if thats the case, why be afraid to understand them?

So when that one that you finally want is no longer an option, when you're dead wrong about something you really wanted to be right about, and no one will ever understand...just write

"If you let me, here's what I'll do...I'll.Take.Care.Of.You"

My best friend in life (Drizzy Drake) has spoken to me once again. I've been listening to Take Care (the single and the album) obsessively for the past few days and I am very proud of my guy. I'll probably be writing about the tracks off the album in the near future but right now I'm too in love with 'Take Care' featuring Rihanna. The song samples the late Gil Scott Heron's original and it does it justice, in my humble opinion. Its so relative. This is how I know Drake really is my best friend- he always gives me something to mellow out to right when I need it....

I've asked about you

and they told me things

but my mind didnt change

I still feel the same

When you keep hearing the same thing about someone or something, its usually safe to assume that its at least halfway true. Reputations exist for a reason and a lot of a persons actions are a direct contribution to their own. That's the easy part.

But what about that other half?

And what about when you can't help but wonder about that small glimmer of hope that a person, or situation even, isn't all that bad? Fuck if I know. That's why I have Drake in my life.

They don't get you like I will

My only wish is I die real

Cuz that truth hurts

and those lie's heal

Its a natural desire for a girl to want to feel/believe that she is the exception. We should be, actually, now that I think about it. Every woman has things about her that are special and unique and deserving of being treated as such.

I know you've been hurt

by someone else

I can tell by the way

that you carry yourself

Obviously the experiences we have in life shape us into the people that we present ourselves to the world as. Some people just can't help the fact they've had experiences that have shaped them into an asshole. So when you are pretty sure that this is the case, should you give them a free pass? Like, ok, you're clearly only acting like that because you are damaged in some way, like everyone else, except you choose to carry your baggage around on your shoulders 24/7?

Maybe this is a case of the pot calling the kettle, but thats a whole 'nother story.

Its my birthday

I get high if I want to

Cant deny that I want you

But I'll lie if I have to

So is it worth risking your heart in hopes of possibly saving someone else's?  Especially when yours isn't exactly in tip top shape itself? Not bloody likely.
 

Fuck it I'm on one...

 

"...but you’re the only one, cause I don’t trust these bitches

I don’t, I don’t trust these bitches

They might catch me slippin’

So you’re the only one, cause I don’t trust these bitches

...I can tell, I can tell, I can tell certain people don’t like me no more
New shit don’t excite me no more
Guess they don’t really make ‘em like me no more
You can look me in my eyes and see I aint myself
Cause if yall what I created than I hate myself"


 
That's exactly how I'm feeling right now.

New York,... I can't.

These people are unfuckingbelieveable.

Actually, they are totally believeable, stereotypical, simple minded and expected. I came here with the mentality that people would try to metaphorically fuck and suck me dry of anything I had that they could benefit from and whaddyaknow....

I guess being 'real' is just cool in conversation but in practice, don't nobody really do that shit no more. Like, it's too much to ask of a person to be upfront and honest. Fuck you scared of? People been calling me a lil beasty lately but really I wouldn't hurt a fly so I know you're not afraid of lil 'ol me. Like, did you just read some 48 Laws of Power chapters and all of a sudden wanna practice being a master of manipulation or something?  Well, I did to. Difference is, I read it (not the whole shit lol) to better prepare myself for fuckwads I may encounter in my life that got the impression that I'm a complete retard because I'm from Detroit and apparently Detroit isn't one of the largest urban metropolis in the country or something. Like folks in Detroit are still picking cotton and haven't got hip to shit that's going on in the Rotten Apple. I'm buggin, I know. Blame it on the hormones. Or whatever makes its sound like I'm not about go on a rampage.

 

Which I inevitably am.
 

You ever watched someone try to play you right in front of your face? I'm talking on some this muhfucka can't be for real type shit? Like, wow, I wonder what you would do if I really just put you on blast right now? Wonder what your face would look like lol. But no, thats the easy route. I actually take quite the pleasure in knowing when I'm being underestimated and preyed upon. I know that sounds sinister and I don't mean that in a negative way. Being aware of someone's ill intention is empowering.

 

New York is doing something to me. I can't decide whether I like it or not but I'm almost certain that its for the better good.  I pray so much for God to turn me into the woman I believe He wants me to be and this is probably apart of the process so I need to stop complaining I guess.  But this is my blog and I'll cry if I want to.  I just love getting this stuff off my chest. Once I get it out, I'm done with it.

 

Free therapy.

 

Drake is like my best friend right now. He gets it.  So in the age old debate I always have going with myself about whether I should continue to be my natural non-trusting self or attempt to let people in and experience greatness in being human I think I've decided to just do what comes naturally. I have enough friends. I'm blessed beyond belief to have such genuine people in my life (shout out to everywhere BUT NY for producing authenic folks).  They keep me sane when they actually answer the phone ;)

 

 

This post, for once, is NOT about a boy :)

 

 

 

(NY, u know u still my boo)