I'm only sure that I'm not sure

Weird. I had a conversation today that made me take a good look at myself today.  After a long walk through the Lower East Side and a few more pages of the Led Zepplin biography,it was still kinda taunting me a bit. Randomly, I had an urge to listen to Return of Saturn, by No Doubt. As this song played out I had an epiphany.

                                                         Oh yes I'm guilty

For leasing myself out

Not ready to go up for sale

Can't seem to give it up

Stubborn, so selfish

            I'm showing off the worst in me

                                                   The return of Saturn

Assessing my life 

    Second guessing...

I had had a conversation with someone.  They were being open and honest so I felt comfortable with doing the same.  But when my honesty came out, it was not good.  Well articulated, yes. Honest, yes. But the essence of what I was saying was not attractive at all.  And looking back on it, while it was true, it was such a small (and conflicting) window into who I am that it could've gone without saying. 

I'm gonna do better.

        I'm full of artificial sweetener

                                               My heart's been deceitful

It's all artificial sweetener

My heart's been deceitful

I'm faking I love you's 

You're forcing me to

I'm totally not ready and ready at the same time. I want it and don't want it at the same time.  And I've been chillin' in that middle space of content. And now life's a-knockin', making me feel the need to move to one side of the fence or the other.

:/

Marry Me?

"Who will be
The one to marry me?"

WSJ: Should More Black Women Marry White?
(http://blogs.wsj.com/ideas-market/2011/09/20/should-black-women-marry-outside-the-race-we-want-your-opinions-via-webcam/?mod=e2tw)

So. Way to aggravate an already slightly psychotic Black woman. These assholes at the Wall Street Journal decided it would be a nice idea to recommend that Black women simply go out and marry white guys since there are essentially NO desirable Black ones available. So, first I'd like to let you know that this didn't piss me off, despite how it may come off. It was just annoying. As fuck. And I am not remotely racist in the least bit. People have told me plenty of times that I'll probably end up marrying a White man anyways thankyouverymuch ;). I just don't appreciate the WSJ acting as if I can just go to the Banana Republic and pick one out to marry me. I mean, as awesome as it sounds, do they think I could just sit in some downtown bar near Wall Street, bat my eyelashes and make some megamillionaire supergreat White boy swoon? Absolutely Ridic.

I'm just annoyed. I can't quite articulate exactly why I'm annoyed, but I just am. Sometimes I feel like the media is out to destroy the Black woman. Mind you, I am only half serious right now and I know that this is a bit extreme and slightly militant but wtf, this is my blog.

But seriously, society in general treats us like left overs or something. Either that, or we're kinda like the Flavor of the Month. Like, some months "they" decide we're cool and we'll be in a few magazines (never covers though-unless you're Bey or Halle). A high end fash rag may decide to cast us in a few spreads. We may even have the opportunity to be the fiesty best friend/sidekick/assistant in some really critically acclaimed Hollywood flick. But that's pretty much it. I mean, we still get excited when a Black actress wins an award. It's 2011 people. Really?

Then, we are often disrespected or even worse disregarded by our own for women of other races. So we get the non-love all the way around. And now its like some cool ass intellectual dinner conversation to discuss why so many Black women have never been and probably never will be married. I really wish there was a Rolling My Eyes acronym. RME, there.

I, obviously, can go on and on about this but I'll spare you the headache and implied neck rolling.

I guess with all this attitude I won't ever have to worry about anyone wanting to marry my ass

Thats all :)