Say You'll Go

Noemie Lenoir for Lurve

Quite often, I get these random pangs of anxiety.  I'm sure its something all creative types go through. They're like these physical thrusts that come from deep within but hurt in a way thats almost entirely mental.  SO weird. Its like my mind and body are having this simultaneous reaction to my lack of living to my fullest potential/capabilities.  Its that point where my actions, no matter how productive they may seem, aren't enough anymore. 

Perhaps its just as simple as my old/accomplished goals and aspirations being replaced with new ones? But it just seems as if my soul is yearning for a greater existence. And the closer I get to something that feels real, the more my soul yearns for something even more consuming.  Its like a never ending quest for fullfillment that Im not even sure exists. Or maybe Im looking at it the wrong way.  Maybe my subconscious mind just knows exactly 

-what I want out of life
-how capable I am of obtaining it
-how close I am to achieving it

and refuses to let it die in transit?

BaBopByeYa

I'm guessing being 'emotionally stable' isn't going to be one of this years accomplishments.

Who care's- there's always next year.

There's been a lot of movement in my life over the past few weeks.  I no longer work a job that makes me feel miserable and I have started to seriously build my brand in a few different areas.  And I've fallen in love.  With a girl.

Janelle Monae.

I had some epic bipolar shit going on recently where I felt completely heartbroken and uninspired and I couldn't see past the massive heap of shit I was standing in.  And then I listened to this shit.











And I honestly felt better.


Narrated my whole existence in like one hour.

"Wait, is it possible... that they're gunning for me?"

"Im an alien from outer space

A Cyber girl without a face,
a heart,
or a mind"

distractions and inspirations.


everytime I blink my eyes my mind is being pulled in a different direction. I have been working on trying to Dee-Bo my way into a real entreprenuerial career lately. While at the fashion house I work for ("assisting" aka blogging), I realized that I may really want to self publish a book. I started writing a fiction novel when I was, like, in the eighth grade in a Mead notebook but I deaded that shit like I do with most of my bright ideas. Now, fifty years later, I think I'd like to pick back up where I left off. My dad would so be shaking his head at me right now if I told him this :). Clearly I am the directionless, overly ambitious child. I can't help it. And I don't want to.

I started my latest course at FIT recently(Flat Pattern Design- don't ask me what that is, thats why I'm there lol....it's patternmaking). Very interesting to be there with all the newcomers (Fall semester fresh-meat). I was equally inspired and annoyed by them lol. I do NOT fit in. And I dont mean that in a cool way, either. I think that my twenties are panning out to be how normal peoples high school years go. Except I don't really mesh with the jocks OR the nerds lol. I'm bugging. Twenty-four and I embody Jeanine Garafalo's character in Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion. I'm the foul-mouthed, all-black-wearing girl smoking cigarettes behind the bleachers. Minus the cigarettes....well, and the bleachers.

Fitting in is for losers anyways.