Frank

No one ever seems to have the answers to the questions you need answered the most.  

I find that highly annoying.  

I'm sure you can figure out simple mathematics and directions and other bogus shit on your own, yet nine times out of ten there's usually someone around to help you out.  But when you have a legit dumbfounded life moment and you really need someone outside of your self to help you see the light, nada.  Nothing.  Whether it be about love, career or religion, everyones an idiot all of a sudden.  No one wants to be the one to give you the advice that can either turn you into a monster or help you evolve into a spectacular individual.

It is at these exact moments that you really have to get in touch with who you are at your core being.  I mean, you really have to dig deep.  Figure shit out and shit.  You almost have to re-question who you are, what you represent and what you want out of this little journey called life.  And hopefully, thats enough.  

For some of us, however, those series of questions just lead you into a deeper vestibule of your emotional makeup, further confusion. Still, with no answers.

This is why I don't do this shit.

In the worst kinda way, I want you, you, you, you, you

I don't want no trouble

Just a little lovin'

I don't want ya money

I wanna get to know ya

You oughta get to know me

I wanna make you wander

And then the church said, "Amen".  

If you're lucky, every once in a while you'll meet someone who kinda puts you on your ass.  In a good way though.  Im talking about when someone makes you have a fucking seat for a second. And regardless of whether or not the feelings mutual, you can't help it.  Your ass is grass, officially, even if the moments only fleeting.


Before you know it, your ass is doing all types of frivolous bullshit to kill any idle time you may have.  Why? So you won't sit around daydreaming about inappropriate things you want to do with/to a stranger, of course. All the red flags in the world couldn't stop you from jumping out of the window with it. In a way, you've learned more about yourself in the last 24 hours than you've learned in the last 24 years. And that beats logic any day. 

Shit is legit.

Petite Noir

(Zoe Saldana for Malibu Magazine, Sept 2012)

Are you
Or Aren't you?
Cause I can't seem to make one from the other



 Amazing record. Relative lyrics.

If you do not want to see me again, I would understand

When someone extremely important to your very existence is unnecessarily MIA.

I miss absolutely everything about my friend.  No she's not dead.  But I'm probably dead to her.  And she has been quite ghostly to me as well for the longest.  No, we didn't do anything evil to one another. No, there was no backstabbing or boyfriend stealing or any other typical cat fight shit going on.  We just fell apart. And not a day goes by that I don't wish I could just call her up and play some corny emo song and laugh my ass off about stupid shit that we used to do ten years ago.

It really sucks- growing into the woman you've always wanted to be without your codependent confidante, your right hand, your biggest fan, your....everything, in a sense. It wasn't supposed to be like this.  Its not supposed to be like this.  We were supposed to grow together.  We are supposed to exchange life experiences and shitty advice just like we did when we were sixteen.  We are still supposed to be enabling each other to do stupid shit and encouraging the brave, bold new adventures we encounter.  I don't want to date guys that I haven't gotten her approval on yet.  I don't want to post pics on my Instagram that she hasn't told me look cute yet.  I don't want to buy books and ask strangers for life advice that she could be giving me with complete understanding and enthusiasm.  Its like seeing something cool when you're out by yourself and looking desperately around to see if someone else saw it too. Someone you can share that moment with.  And,...nothing.  Your ass is just left hanging.

Sure, I was blessed enough to have more than one best friend in this life but I still want the one that I lost.






Perfection

As difficult as it sounds

Its not often that I get to talk about death openly.  For some reason, I'm somehow always mid-convo with my sister when I feel a verbal rampage coming on.  And she is the last person on earth that wants to hear about this subject.  According to her, I've always been somewhat 'morbid' in the sense that I seem to talk about death too recklessly.

No one wants to talk about death.  Yet most people are afraid of it.  Hell, Im certainly afraid of it but that doesn't stop the curiosity from surrounding it.   I do notice that I try not to think about it too much though cuz more often than not, it takes my mind to place thats not cool.

Today a kid I went to school with died of cancer. I wasn't close with him during his time of illness but I still can't stop thinking about it.  How it easily could've been me instead.  Why wasn't it me? Why has his life been taken and mine spared today?  What's the difference? How could this have happened? These are all things we've been conditioned to NOT ask or wonder about.  But I can't help it.

I'm not always certain about things in life or have a solid opinion about things but when it comes to death, my thoughts have remained consistent throughout the years.  I believe that we are sent here for a multitude of reasons.  One of the main ones is to make an impact on someone or something, big or small. Once we complete that specific task, I believe it is our time to go. So when I look around at the things I've done in life, the people I've motivated, inspired, helped and/or loved, I feel like I've accomplished/impacted enough people and things for my time to be up as well.  Looking at my friends Facebook page, I can tell that he did his job; he completed his assignment from the higher power. Stay with me.  Im not suicidal in the least bit.  I'm just saying.

Furthermore, I believe that we are here to learn about life and humanity as well as about our individual selves.  We are also here for the journey.  I always catch myself telling someone "...life's all about the journey" when they have a decision to make; especially if they're leaning towards the less popular option.  I believe we should spend our short time here doing things that make us feel something inside and I spend everyday of my life trying to make that my personal reality. I sincerely try to cherish every moment and enjoy it as if it may be my last because I understand, wholeheartedly, that its not guaranteed.  

We begin and we end, physically, but I do believe that something else happens when we expire.  I always wonder about atheists- if we are simply born and buried, whats the point of following the rules? Paying taxes? Being a nice, decent member or society? If theres no other reason for life other than death then wheres the anarchy? Why be governed? You won't allow yourself to be governed by a higher power but you will allow yourself to be governed by man? I don't get it. I don't know whose story of the beginning of the world is right.  I don't know if your soul floats to the sky and you grow a halo and wings when you die. But I do know that theres something bigger than people and science keeping mankind alive and well.

I'm only sure that I'm not sure

Weird. I had a conversation today that made me take a good look at myself today.  After a long walk through the Lower East Side and a few more pages of the Led Zepplin biography,it was still kinda taunting me a bit. Randomly, I had an urge to listen to Return of Saturn, by No Doubt. As this song played out I had an epiphany.

                                                         Oh yes I'm guilty

For leasing myself out

Not ready to go up for sale

Can't seem to give it up

Stubborn, so selfish

            I'm showing off the worst in me

                                                   The return of Saturn

Assessing my life 

    Second guessing...

I had had a conversation with someone.  They were being open and honest so I felt comfortable with doing the same.  But when my honesty came out, it was not good.  Well articulated, yes. Honest, yes. But the essence of what I was saying was not attractive at all.  And looking back on it, while it was true, it was such a small (and conflicting) window into who I am that it could've gone without saying. 

I'm gonna do better.

        I'm full of artificial sweetener

                                               My heart's been deceitful

It's all artificial sweetener

My heart's been deceitful

I'm faking I love you's 

You're forcing me to

I'm totally not ready and ready at the same time. I want it and don't want it at the same time.  And I've been chillin' in that middle space of content. And now life's a-knockin', making me feel the need to move to one side of the fence or the other.

:/

Are You Still Mad?

This shit bangs.



...and its also a bit relative.

Every single night, there's a fight...

I want to be Fiona Apple when I grow up.

Here's why:

She's Fiona Apple.
Her music is incredibly inclusive and exclusive at the same time.  Much like my personality.
You either get it or you don't.  You either love it or hate it.
She's completely unapologetic in all her awkward glory and uncomfortable opinions and perspective on the world we live in.


And in case you didn't actually read the four lines above:

Let's Pretend We're Married

" 'Xcuse me but I need a mouth like yours
To help forget the girl that just walked out my door" -


yep.

What he said.

Seems like thats what everyones doing nowadays anyways- pretending.  Actually making it to the altar is soo 1950's.

Every teardrop is a waterfall

Note to self.


It is fine if you feel as if you're a one woman band.


Marching in an imaginary parade.


On fucking Mars somewhere.


Its fine if one day you're a teflon don with unshakeable confidence and freedom. And the next day you cry for your mommy and daddy.


Its fine if you want to be modern day freedom fighter, mother of five and Disney pop princess all at the same damn time.


Its fine if half the time you don't have the answers and the other half you don't want to share them.


It's fine

Everyone knows I'm in over my head...

Those first moments at the beginning of a new crush are the shit epic poems, ballads and (once crushed) epitaphs are written in honor of.  Those moments are like coke in the seventies- pure and seemingly endless.  I love it.  I wish I could bottle that emotion and hang it around my neck like a souvenir, See, I'm not completely devoid of feelings. Maybe pin it to my hoodie as a reminder, Hey, it happened once so it could possibly/miraculously happen again...maybe. This way, when those off-moments (ahem, years) are in progress and it seems as if there is not a single soul in the whole fucking universe and solar system that fucking gets it, or that I get, I'd be instantly corrected and convinced to give heterosexuality yet another last chance at keeping me on its team.

Yep.

Boss shit.

I'd seriously like a little forgetmenot from those bizarre moments of extreme infatuation with someone you actually know is real life. However questionable the 'know' part may be.

So when I've gotten to the point where my MacBook itself stages an intervention over my extreme audio obsession from this



to this



and I'm looking at folks like this is tatted across my dome



..right before I snap out of it and make light of the situation



to finally a bit of restored pride



... and fury



I'll eventually make it back to





Soooooo yeah.  Someone needs to figure out how to get me one of these.

Clocks

Sometimes shit just doesn't make any sense.


None of it.


And sometimes, right once you think you've gotten it all figured out, the conclusions you came to just slip between your fingers like water.  And try as you might to hold onto it your attempts prove futile and its gone.  And you're left looking stupid trying to figure out if it ever really existed to begin with.


truths turn to curiosities
curiosities to questions
questions that lead to no definite answers.


And thats the end of it, in all its uncertain glory.


Life.