I come apart, but thats ok...

Chill music playlist for when I want to be a complete introvert and tune out the world. While it has been successful at doing this, it has also served as the soundtrack to my insanity lately.

The Life- Alicia Keys
Trouble Man- Marvin Gaye
King of Sorrow- Sade
Lift Me Up- Christina Aguilera

There are about 10+ other songs on the list but these are the ones that aren't nearly as bad but they give me the blues just as easy.  I think I may be a masochist.

You be the judge.




Ev'ry day I realize that

this might be the last day of my life
Walking down the street, I find, yeah,
I'm coming closer to losing my mind.

'Cause when it rains, it pours;
isn't life worth more?
I don't even know what I am hustlin' for.
You've got to do what you've got to do
just to make it through
all the hard times that's gonna pace you.

This is the life, striving to survive.

Livin' will always be a struggle,
lookin' for someone true to love you.
Lookin' back, I see all the hard roads.
Thiis madness makes me wanna hide.
I work slowly, eternally. I'm dying.
Pillowcase is wet from all my crying.
There is nothing more to be here for.
Take me away; I can't live that life no more.







 




I love listening to these tracks.  They may mellow me out, they may even get me down but at the end of the day they make me reflect.

"We take it from the bottom to the top baby..."

"Remember those days when I went to bed hungry/All I ever ate was white rice and honey/Big dreams in my head empty my tummy/Might crack a smile but ain't nothin funny"

These past three weeks have been a journey. This isn't a sad, woe-is-me story, firstly. Everytime I think I've been taken to the edge or as if I can't possibly handle a certain situation I am proven horribly wrong. Thank God. I am learning the amazing things I'm capable of. Im learning and extending the limits of my personal strength.

And I know I'm not the only one. Sometimes shit just gets soooo fucking hard and we think that if one more thing goes wrong we are going to just roll over and die.

And then it happens, of course, and we put on our big girl panties and keep it pimpin.

That's life.

Never thought I would be able to make rent for an entire year in nyc working bullshit retail jobs. Never thought I'd be going to bed both hungry as hell and happy as shit so often. Never thought I'd have the confidence to make my career aspirations an actual plan of action. On a smaller, simpler scale, I never thought I'd be fearless enough to just be me unapologetically... hardcore... true shit (I mean, duh, everyone claims to be themselves but we all know the deal).

Lo and behold, all of these things have manifested. I could've bitched up and went back to Detroit the first time shit got real. But I didn't. And I guess thats a testament to my childhood maybe? I grew up in an environment that demanded strength. I'm not trying to make it sound like I grew up in the projects with dopefiend parents or something but the city (ANY urban city) pushes you to be strong. Only the strong survive. I think its in the water or something.
 
Whatever it is, I'm just happy I got it.