Violet

Patty Schemel of Hole's documentary of being a bad bitch and living (happily) to tell about it

There's always going to be someone else.

Someone who's better, more talented, more interesting, more disciplined, more confident, more connected, more inspiring, more popular........you get the point.

Knowing that and STILL being totally secure in your OWN shit isn't always the easiest thing.  Knowing that sometimes the bad guy wins and the evil person prospers is unsettling and can throw you off your game a bit.

I've been in this headspace on and off. Especially in regards to my career and overall quality of life.

Whereas before, years ago, this would get me down, I now give it a more positive spin. I try to keep my mind focused on my life and what I want to accomplish with it.  Simple shit.....  except I wasn't able to do this for a very long time.

I'd see someone who I knew was full of shit get a break and I'd feel like a loser for not having one of my own.  Or I'd see someone doing the very thing that I want to do and feel like since they've already gotten to it, theres absolutely no way I can do it too.

And then there's always that person who's just simply the shit. And you just have to eat it, because even YOU'RE a fan. Fucking asshole.

Now, it doesn't get to me like it used to.  Now, I've matured a bit and I've learned a little more about my own strengths and weaknesses as well as my goals and dreams.  And those things are so exclusive to me that it makes it pretty fuckin impossible for me to be discouraged or intimidated by the next bitch.

The thing is, everyone has a journey.  And everyone's journey has the potential to be epic in its own way. Value and trust it and everything else will just fall in line.

Despair

   At some point over the weekend, I practically lost my shit.  On the N train. 

There were my emotions, running all high from peoples responses to the Trayvon Martin verdict, coupled with personal roadblocks that were staring me in the face.  

And there on public transportation, while just beginning to cross over the bridge to Brooklyn, I felt like I was about to emotionally combust into a state of manic depression right there for the world to see.  

All I could think about was how easily and how close I’d gotten to things going incredibly bad for me with my personal bullshit. And then I thought about how horrible and unredeemable the human race had become in relation to the Zimmerman trial. And then I thought about how pointless and purposeless this whole life thing really is in general. And then I tried to navigate my mind out of that darkness and this song came on.  And the lyrics hit me for the first time really and at the most perfect moment.  

In the three short years that I’ve been living in this city I have had so many many experiences. I have been tested in so many different ways and on so many different occasions. I used to joke when I first moved here that New York was determined to make a woman out of me- a strong woman out of me. And it wouldnt let up until I embodied the type of woman Ive always wanted to be.

This city has been kicking my fucking ass since I stepped foot here. Yet everytime I’ve fallen on my ass, it’s offered its hand to help me back up...as long as I was up for another beating. Another beating always seems to be right around the corner. And so does another “I love this city”.

So I guess after I’d just been handed my ass again by life, I needed a friendly reminder.
Thank you New York.

You’re there
From begining to middle to end.

Goin to the ceremony

“...I dont know where Im going
But Im goin
Its...all...happening...”

My entire twenties have been a clusterfuck of questions, obviously. I’ve already gone through the cliches of who is it that I am and what is it that I want.  I’ve now tapped into the momentum of getting myself to that place in life.

And then I realized that I’m again uncertain of absolutely everything.

But at least Im progressing. 

"You think the way you live is okay...."

Vogue Italia: Why are you so comfortable, being so non-conformist, in an industry that requires so much conformity, at least from the people behind the scenes?

Lysa Cooper: I think the very important thing that works to my advantage, and sometimes my disadvantage, is that I’m not out to make friends. I’ve got plenty of other friends. I like to keep it really professional. I don’t hang out. I don’t go to little dinners. I don’t “kiki.” None of that. And I think, for a lot of people, they want me to entourage it up for free. I’m not interested. Hence, it’s better to work with people you don’t really know. You don’t have to waste your time trying to be best friends. I don’t have enough time to be circle jerking all over the place. For what? They’re all going to fuck you over eventually. It’s true. Ask anybody who’s had a long-standing relationship. I mean, Tom Cruise is the only one who has been able to maintain the same glam squad. [Keeping] the same people around them. But most people, just want to be more fabulous. But the thing to remember is that, just like ex-boyfriends, they always come back. And when they do, you’re twice as expensive. That’s the God’s honest truth.

I thought I was just a freak of nature in that I don't really care to be 'of' the industry that much. I love being in it, but Im not with all the politics that come along with it. My natural introverted-ness doesn't always allow for me to be like other hair stylists/ makeup artists/ stylists/photographers, etc.  I'm so not the life of the party and I prefer it that way.  I'm not a brown nosing kiss-ass either.  I love what I do, and frankly, I just want to do that and get the fuck on.  

What I've started to notice, however, is that relationships are crucial in the quest for success in this industry.  Establishing kinship with other artists can singlehandedly and painlessly advance your career. But for a person who isn't necessarily a mingler, this can be a barrier.

One of my guys have been trying to drill into my head the idea of being "present". Not just in a stay-off-your-work-on-set kinda way, but literally BE PRESENT.  And it doesn't mean that you have to be in peoples faces or put on a show. Just simply show that you are there through your work ethics and mannerisms.

That, I can do.

Playing 'BFF' with people only to manipulate yourself into a certain circle,or  get/ keep a new client or anything like that is so lame.  And you're probably opening yourself to being treated in the exact same fashion at a later point or other situation in life.

That's why I love this lady.  She's clearly not here for the bollocks. I can appreciate that.  Maybe it's come from age and experience but its nice to see that SOMEONE made it to the top without having to compromise themselves completely.

Do not get me wrong, I have met alot of amazing, inspiring, down to earth people on jobs and I've even befriended a few.  I'm all for kindred spirits connecting and new friendships forming...as long as they are genuine and not of the 'how can I benefit from this' sort.

That is all.

"And I feel like I just got home..."

I really wish I had wrote about this as soon as I saw it for the first time.  I don't think I've ever been so excited about anything in my entire life.  EVER.  

Me. ME. FUCKING ME! In Vogue.  Vogue Thailand, to be exact.

I grew up obsessing over magazines and dreaming of somehow working within the realms of those pages. I'm just a black girl from Detroit with tunnel vision dreams of pursuing any and every thing that will warrant a life of happiness and fulfillment. Thats it.

I wasn't blessed with connects or silver spoons.  Just a loving family and friends who believe in me. I've spent a great deal of time testing a shitload of different avenues to get me towards the life that I want and while most of them inevitably led to dead ends, they also ALL contributed to this exact point in my life.

Don't get me wrong, I certainly have a long road ahead of me but I dont want to glaze over this moment.  I want to stop, enjoy and appreciate this milestone moment.  I said I wouldn't allow myself to NOT celebrate the things in my life that make me happy or proud of my journey. 'Cuz if *I* don't, surely no one else will.

And thats all.

Faster than the speeding light she's flying
Trying to remember where it all began
Shes got herself a little piece of heaven
Waiting for the time when earth shall be as one