Boys.Boys.Boys

I have come to realize that as a young woman, boys will always be up for discussion. Boring, yes. Cliché, totally. *Kanye shrug* What can you do? I have only recently entered the arena of boycraziness but I have had an earful of stories being poured into my head since puberty. Apparently, in adulthood it doesn’t change much either. I feel like I’m watching a soap opera with behind-the-scenes access or something. All kinds of drama unfolding right before my very eyes.

I’d really like to remember these stories for 1) times when I find myself in the same predicament and most importantly 2) when I get old as shit and my kids/grandkids think I’ve been living under a rock my whole life and ‘don’t understand’ what they’re talking about. Hence, I immortalize my stories here. And hopefully the internet won’t become obsolete like books are on their way of becoming.

SooOOooo, where should I begin?

Let’s start with Julia* and Anthony*.

Julia is one of those girls that doesn’t have a problem getting guys. She’s cute, charismatic and confident. Or at least that’s what she leads people to believe. Anthony is cool. Not I’m -too-sexy-for-my-shirt type cool, but just cool. Unexpectedly, they found themselves enamored with one another. Kinda. See, Anthony’s telling an entirely different story to those around him. According to him, he’s just trying to fuck. No interest in this girl at all other than to do her. Maybe someone told him about her rumored whorish behavior. Maybe he’s fronting for the cameras so that his boys won’t think he’s trying to turn a hoe into a housewife (assuming the rumors are true). Idk. Point is, it’s fucked up.

Here’s my unsolicited take on it:

If this girl is perceived to be easy, why go through to the extreme of convincing her that you actually may want to have something more than a fwb situation? Why not just hit it and quit it? Is that boring? Or are you playing nice in hopes of being able to continuously hit it until you get tired of it? And if it’s a situation where you really DO like her, why talk shit and contribute to the idea that she’s a smut? What are you, 15? Are you scared of what the boys are going to think of you wife’ing the chick who smashed the homies? For the girl, why front like you don’t love having sex? If you get around, you get around. It’s 2011. Own that shit and get over it. Or stop doing it. Pick a side, stay there and stop lying. If the rumors are completely false, you need to hire a PR person and clean up your image asap.

Moving On.

Kim* and Bruce*.

Kim is that girl that no one really gets. I guess I should say rarely gets. Bruce gets her. And Bruce wants to get her (hint,hint). Bruce is as close to a goody goody as we can get. He’s actually really good for Kim. Kim, of course, doesn’t want Bruce. Yet. Classic women-say-they-want-a-good-man-but-when-they-meet-one-they-don’t-want-him shit.

My take:

I get it. You don’t take just anything that falls into your lap. But sometimes, you kinda have to get over yourself and just give someone a fucking chance. Nothings ever going to be exactly as you imagined it to be. That’s reality. Kim is making us (re: me) look bad with this stereotypical shit. I’m making this my personal mission to guide her towards the light. Stay tuned for the wedding e-vite.

Next.

Diana* and Man*.

I don’t know Diana that well. I know more of her. I know she’s not yet legal, a party girl and a kooky heartbreaker. Man is classic New York: sex, drugs and music. ‘Classic’ may not have been the best way to describe him. Anyways, Diana has boys practically falling out of her panties. They’re all over her. I’m pretty sure she’s just enjoying her life and I can imagine it must be quite fun to leave boys foaming at the mouth. Man is exactly the same. But you can sense that he wants more of her. And she ain’t having that shit. Not much of a story here, now that I’ve written about a hundred words or so I think it’s obvious that he’s finally met his female counterpart which is why he’s acting as if his head fell off.

My take:

I think this is what they mean when they say, “Every dog has his day”?…Maybe not. Maybe Man just needs to keep it moving.

Well, thats all for now but I still have mad stories left.

Certainly won’t be telling them all in this one post. Perhaps this is a lil Carrie Bradshaw kicking in. Maybe I’ll make a series of weekly posts to clear out my mental memory bank of the stories I hear on a daily.

Yeah, right.

Maybe I just need to get some business of my own to write about…

Well….

*little voice in the back of my head is telling me this is a bad idea*

Fuck it.

I’ma boss.

So.

That kid. The one I have had the ill tunnel-vision crush on for centuries? Well, he’s still around. And by around, I mean he’s still alive. I still don’t interact with the bitch. In fact, I think I want to fight him for being such a fucking idiot. I would sooner die than have him know, even in the least bit, that I’m crushing hardcore. Ugh, I think I’ve got his number. Not number as in Lady Gaga “Hello, hello baby, you called, I can’t hear a thing”, but old-school speak for “Oh, I see how you get down, motherfucker”. Speaking of which, I would love to reenact that scene from that video where Beyonce pois- nevermind. He’s such a bird!!!!! OMG OMG OMG!!!! This is so gay (shout out to the NYC gays who just got legalized. American Apparel needs to give them a new tee slogan). I feel like one of these days I’m going to randomly slap the shit out of him (despite the fact that he definitely looks like the type to slap the shit right back out of me). Maybe its just pure unadulterated sexual tension. Maybe he’s just a fucking asshole. Maybe I just need to get some Prozac.






Beyonce’s song keeps playing in my head. And in my iPod. Anthem music.







Real shit from a real bitch.