So the original version of this story was practically an essay, super long. I had a visual/audio briefer version as well for those who dont actually read too lol
This is a mere continuation of some thoughts I had on the train the other day. My iPod played one of the most beautiful songs I've heard in my entire life. I had heard the song dozens of times before but for some reason, the lyrics really struck a chord this time to the point where I couldnt take it off repeat. I dont know whether it had to do with the fact that I had just seen a photo of Nicole Richie looking incredibly happy in her gorgeous wedding gown or the fact that I had just developed the most seriously thought consuming crush of my adult life. Either way, my mind took me to a place that it doesnt go to very often: love.
But seriously, that was kind of my issue. My screwed up perspective of love. I blamed Disney. They were an easy scapegoat. Those were the motherfuckers who sold me this pipe dream of living happily ever after with some guy who I would be wildly in love with just as much as he with me. And I, like most other little girls, ate that shit right on up. But then when I grew old enough to pay attention to relationships of those around me I was sadly failed. I didnt see any happily-ever-afters within a one million mile radius. I saw people who were married but living seperate lives,people who treated each other with more disrespect than they would their sworn enemies and people who messed up their own personal growth behind their significant other. The saddest were the ones who let small cracks cause the demise of the beautiful lives they created together. I couldnt help but be affected by that. Those observations made me not want to have anything to do with love. I figured no one could break my heart (which was certain to happen) if I never gave them the opportunity. I felt like I wouldnt get sidetracked from pursuing my dreams if I didnt have a guy distracting me. And I was right. 100% right. I'm 24 with no clue as to how it feels to have your heartbroken by a boyfriend and I have never had to consult with anyone other than me, myself and I regarding moves that I want to make in life. No distractions.
But what the hell? Moving through life without those wounds (ya know, love is a battefield, i hear?) isnt cool either. In fact, its kind of a bitch move. Like, oh, Im not going to allow myself to fall for someone because Im afraid I'll get my heart shattered into a bajillion pieces? Bitch move. I heard someone once say that if youre not willing to risk being hurt then you dont deserve to be in love. Something to think about...
The little funky attitude I had towards love was only further perpectuated by the failed marriage of my two favorite people in music: Nas and Kelis. Let me explain. Kelis has been a major influence/inspiration in my life since way back in middle school when I was the weirdo black girl in Detroit who had a thing for Madonna, Spice Girls and blue hair. And Nas...man, I used to get into heated arguements with dudes about how he won the battle with Jay-Z and how he was the best rapper alive. I made it my personal duty to vote for "Oochie Wally" everyday for the 106 & Park countdown #kidshit. So you can only imagine the excitement I had when they started dating and got married. And then the downright breakdown I experienced when they divorced. I havent bought a Nas record since.
That was kind of it for me. Hollywood love was failing me just as miserably as real-life love. But then something happened. I honestly dont know what it was but I just kind of started to shed that negative stigma I had. Maybe it just got to be too heavy of baggage to carry around all the damn time? Maybe the fact that I finally dealt with my daddy/daughter issues had something to do with it? Idk. I just know that I started actually being nice (sorta) to guys that were tryna get on lol. And I suddenly wanted nothing more for my friend than for her to make things work with her baby's father. And I stopped telling my sister I hated all her potential boyfriends before I even knew their names lol.
Crazy.
Then there was this crush I found myself completely obsorbed in. I had practically fallen in love at first sight. I mean, I called home and told my bests that this man was going to be the father of my chir'ren (lmao jk). I was completely enamored with this man. Seriously. I was just as surprised as the next person. Granted, the crush is absolutely squashed at present moment but it was really quite fun while it lasted. I havent been that frazzled around a person since I was a teenybopper. I would go into detail but I have had enough of going against that little voice in the back of my head that tells me when Im fucking up.
My little spat of lunacy just restored my faith that it is possible to feel that Disney dumb way about someone and maybe, just maybe, they will feel the same about you.
Me vs Love: The cliffnotes version
Story begins...the most beautiful song ever.
"My heart
Used to be cold
Til your hands
Laid on my soul"
Awwww. I want one!
Then real life takes its seat and..
"I may never understand why
Im doing the best that I can and I
I tried and I tried to forgive it
But Im just too damn full of resentment"
Fuck you Disney.
Its cool though, ya know? Cuz...
"Diva gettin money"
And..
"Do ya think
you can fall for a woman like me
cuz i find it hard to trust
i need to much
and i really dont believe in love"
But wait a minute...I guess thats not so cool.
Im scared of lonely
and im scared of being the only
shadow i seeeee along the wall
and im scared the only heartbeat
i hear beating
is my own
...and then there's this boy
"when you stole my cool
you had me at hello"
It was kinda like...
"oooh boy you lookin like you like what you see
wont cha come over and check up on it?"
So I was thinkin
"couldn't help but notice how you're staring at me
baby you're so fine
you deserve my time
with those sexy eyes your qualified
so boy, why don't ya
baby why won't ya
come and talk to me?"
and the delusional craziness in my head begins..
"Baby I cant go anywhere
without thinkin that youre there
seems like youre everywhere its true
gotta be having deja vu
Boy I try to catch myself but Im out of control
youre sexiness is so appealing I cant let it go"
...and im REALLY delusional
"if you aint there, aint no body there to impress"
The crazy antics blow-up-tuate in my face and im left thinking...
"Why dont you love me when i make me so damn easy to love?
lmao
"THERE'S NOTHING NOT TO LOVE ABOUT ME!!!!!!"
oh well..
close enough.
;)
Im actually kind of happy the original version of this post was erased. It may have been too Oprah-y.
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