Death is at the tip of her tongue

I'm in a real Lupe kinda mood these days.

I don't mean to sound like a Debbie Downer, and perhaps this is just some unofficial seasonal depression trying to kick in, but I really feel like the world as we know it is coming to a close.  

With all of the horrible injustices and inhumane things going on around the world in an era where we undoubtedly have the capacity to eliminate them all I find it difficult NOT to think like this.

I passed a homeless couple sitting outside on a bench in the cold today.  I dont know what pissed me off more- the fact that they had found no other solution but to just huddle and freeze, the fact that I had absolutely nothing to give them or the fact that, even if I did have something, I wouldve been afraid to offer it for fear that they'd stab me or something. 

Then, when I got home I tried to finally get a better understanding of, and enroll in, the new healthcare stuff.  I found out that my being a single young non-child bearing mother would cost me about $180 a month for coverage- which I obviously can not afford at this point.  So that means continued knocks on wood, overpriced out-of-pocket fees for doctors visits and jank ass medical attention from the low-cost facilities for my impending sinus infection.  

Simultaneously, I was perusing Craigslist in contemplation of picking up a side gig only to find that employers have lost their absolute motherfucking minds in 2013.  Retail stores were requiring cover letters, bachelors degrees and recent photos of applicants. 

Retail.

Are you fucking kidding me? To fold clothes for minimum wage?

And most of them have the audacity to require open availability/flexibility.  How can you ask someone to be free at your beck and call when your pay rate barely even covers the cost of the transportation to get them to you?

You want me to be a college educated professional to WORK in your store? Lets not even talk about what qualifications I need to SHOP in it...

There are LEVELS to the layers of disrespect that these major companies/corporations are dishing out to the everyday Joe Schmo.

Everything that I see in the world nowadays just makes me want to unplug. Not on some suicidal shit but just, like, fuck off from media of all sorts.  I know Im sounding really angst-y teen-y right now but everything looks like a bowl of bullshit as far as Im concerned.  

Im starting to feel like life in this era is just one big ass hologram. Most of us are constantly chasing these intangible ideas of happiness and freedom in a society whose main goal seems to be to convince you that that doesn't exist.  Or worse, they DO exist, you just have to play by these rules and follow these steps to just get closer to it.

I dont get it.  

And the really shitty part about it is that we have become so numb, complacent, accepting, selfish, lazy, or whatever you want to call it, that theres nothing left of this world but to self destruct and fast.

Hopefully whatever comes after us will retain the technological advances of ours but have the heart of the people before us.

Transitionin' from Standing Out to Fitting In

You know how when you have a low moment in life and all you want to do is dial up your closest people and just...talk?

And no one answers?

Thats the fuckin worst, bruv.

And then there you are, all hypersensitive and shit, left to sort out your latest mid life crisis in absolute solitude.  

Fuckityfuck.

And you know that even if they DID answer the gotdamn phone, there would probably be little to no understanding or solution to whatever latest debacle you're going through today.

You dont care. You just want to be assured that someone is there. Thats it.  Even if they cant do a motherfucking thing, you just want them to hold the phone and listen. Or better yet, at least pretend that you're not a kook and you're complete rightgeous in feeling however it is that you feel or believing whatever it is that you're believing.  

Like when you barely have two nickels to your name but you're working like a MVP. And you know that money is coming- lots of it. You have the invoices to prove it. But until that unbeknownst-to-man day comes, you're living on magic beans. And, truthfully speaking, you almost dont even mind it because you're in love with the overall nature of your life. But no one else gets it. And no one else seems to want to hear that shit. And that shit is usually the straw that breaks the camels back when it comes to your ability to persevere. Fuckin holdin on to the dream gets really real when no one is seeing or believing the shit but your sole unstable ass.

If it weren't for that one time you were prepared to put your very last ten bucks for dinner on the counter and the cashier told you your total was only fifty-nine cent due to some invisible coupons that you didnt even know you earned on that bum ass rewards card on your keychain....

If it weren't for that one time your dont-see-often friend (rather bewitchingly)hit you up for dinner/movie ON THEM when you you thought you were gonna be forced to spend another afternoon at home contemplating getting a job at McDonalds or entering the sex trade....

If it weren't for the fact that doors have consistently and continuously been flying open and ways have been made repeatedly throughout your journey....

you might've given up by now. 

But thank God you know better than that.

Because if you can't handle not having someone to pat you on the back and tell you every things going to be ok then how in the hell are you gonna handle all the proverbial slaps in the face that you will certainly continue to get while trying to carve out a career and life in this city? How will you deal when you show up to a gig and you're the only splash of melanin on the entire set? Or when you're surrounded by people who absolutely refuse to be real and instead propel lifestyles of very real materialistic wealth but faux happiness (or the dyslexic ones who are genuinely happy to boast fake/short term material wealth)? How will you handle the people who are only in your life to keep tabs on you and not actually support a single thing you do? The ones who are only interested in keeping their foot in your neck? 

I'm still only at the beginning of my journey but I can very well see the many pitfalls that stand between me and my dreams and Im just hoping I dont fall into one of them.

Young, Fresh and New

I think we all get a bit uncertain about where we are, what we're doing and where we're going in life from time to time.

That is space I often find myself in and Im praying to the highest that this is something exclusive to my twenties and not a lifelong battle.

BUT

Everysinglefuckingtime I get to that point I usually immediately get a signal from the universe telling me whats up.

I did a gig for a major sneaker brand commercial campaign that I knew would be intense, as those kinds of gigs tend to be, but I didn't know what type of team I'd be spending the few days with- which makes the utmost difference.  

Much to my surprise, one of my favorite young stylists (Marcelo Gaia) was on board for the project and so was one of my favorite cool kids (Joey Labeija). And I was working with two awesome girls (Kira and Christy) on the H/MU team that I just met at a runway show I worked.

Trust, you do not understand how amazing it is to show up for a job that youre not yet sure about to find people that you already know and like in real life are going to be working beside you. You dont know how it feels to show up to a job full of fancy folks as an assistant and hear someone shout your name in excitement (or confused familiarity). Its like an affirmation that you, the technicolor haired black girl from Detroit, do in fact belong right where you are.

And to meet new people(people who are far more advanced in their careers than you/ people who are far more cooler and in demand than you) and they're receptive and warm to you without you doing a motherfucking thing but being your genuine natural born self- is quite amazing as well.

To simply be in the company of a few very talented young professionals who you KNOW are gonna make it to the top and have a mutual admiration/appreciation and belief in one another is all the verification I need to know that, even if I cant yet work out the details, Im certainly moving in the right direction.

Brown Girl, Turn Your Shit Down

Such an interesting social climate we're living in.

Such an interesting social landscape I'm living in.

I just went to see MIA live at Terminal 5 and, consequently, I've been functioning on a different wavelength ever since. 

At one point in my life, I was quite serious about the idea of being a social activist...as a career.  

And now I'm a hair stylist.  

Funny, no?

Well, as much as there are a shitload of injustices going on in this nation and beyond, I haven't quite figured out my own personal avenue in making an impact on a single fucking thing.  

The point is, at the time that I wanted to be the next Angela Davis, I thought I had to give up on every creative aspiration I had.  And now, now that I've been progressing in an industry that is completely operated by appearances, relationships and oft-superficial bullshit, I've grown overtly cautious of causing too much of a stir- which means I've kind of given up reincarnating poor Ang. 

But getting reacquainted with MIA has reminded me that the concept of artist and activist don't have to exist on seperate planes. Its not an easy path to tread but its not impossible either. And, some chicks, like MIA, manage to make it look dope as well.

Go figure.

http://www.youtube.com/v/K1Bdw4HJ7Z0?version=3&autohide=1&autohide=1&showinfo=1&feature=share&autoplay=1&attribution_tag=HOQBHoBLmHs5BKiZjq_VpA