"..wanna see my gun go bang, bang, bang, bang"

My favorite Brazilian is moving back to Brazil :(

Thank goodness she thought enough of me to hang out one last time before she leaves Monday. I don't know what I'm gonna do without her lol. This girl ALWAYS knows all the cool stuff to do in the city. And she's the ONLY person that ever got me dancing in the club all night long (if you've seen my moves, you know why I don't even bother). And she's one of those dance-to-the-beat-of-their-own-drum types. Not to get all homo, but this chick is dope and she will truly be missed.

She invited me to a mixtape release party for this Trouble Andrew guy that I'd never heard of but was still down for nonetheless. I YouTube'd the kid and I actually ended up liking his shit. I don't really wanna ruin it by trying to describe it, so:




well, at least, I like it.

It was at this bar called Don Hill's on the LES. I had no clue what the dress code called for but when my friend said she was gonna look like a "white African Queen", I knew what time it was. I decided I'd be a black Indian princess.

Naturally I got lost on my way there. The A train was on its period or something and just skipped the Spring St stop. Then I ended up walking like a million blocks in the wrong direction! Mind you, its maybe 20 degrees outside and I have on fucking sequined leggings. Quick detour: the leggings.OMG. On the train, there was a group of schoolers on there tryna Waka Flocka Flame my ass!!! One kid was all, "Where are YOU goin" and shit. I sat facing the opposite direction of them and acted like I didn't hear it but I was dying laughing. They got me.

Back to the story.

So I get there and they give me a swag bag. You know bitches love free shit so I was too excited (even if it was only filled with stickers and mixtapes of folks I aint never heard of). Then I see my friend, who is standing with her one friend I already met, who is standing with his two friends looking like a gang of black hipsters. My friend got a beer ("the hipster beer") and since I didn't care to be the drunk or sober one for the night, I got one too. I hate beer so I just roger'd what she got. By the time I got cash from the ATM she had already sat down somewhere leaving me to order for myself, which I also hate. Don't judge. Then I realized I couldn't pronounce the name of the effing beer. I remembered seeing 'Blue Ribbon' on the can but I wasn't sure if I could just be like, "Hey, can I get a Blue Ribbon?". Maybe 'Blue Ribbon' is like the 'Cola' of beer? And you certainly can't tell the man at McDonald's, "Yeah, I'll have a 'Cola' with that".

.....

yeah.

So I just said "Pabst" really fast and though it sounded alot like "Paps", the guy gave me what I wanted.

I never understood how people get drunk off beer but me only having a bowl of Fruity Pebbles in my system for the day + the hipster brew= a nice lil buzz. I looked up an saw this model chick that I'd did hair for a few weeks ago (pics will come soon). She looked so much like Zoe Kravitz it was scary. I was momentarily obsessed back then. I didn't say shit to her though tonite. But yeah, there was alot of cool looking people there. There was this one guy who had to be like seven feet tall. My friend made a nasty joke about him that I'll refrain from retelling (in the event my Daddy decides to read this ish one day). He was tall, though...

The place started smelling like weed and I guess that was the signal that the show was about to start so we headed up to the stage. A bunch of acts performed. One guy looked like the black hipster (and I promise I wont use that word again in this one story,geez) version of Lil Jon. When he was done with his set (?) he  walked off the front of the stage and through the crowd. He kind of stopped in front of me like he was gonna say something. He had his hand on my waist, so I assumed it meant 'Move', and I did. Away from him lol.

Trouble Andrew finally came out (in tweed pants and suspenders) and I enjoyed his performance. Then my friend started freaking out that this Ninja Sonik dude was in the building. He performed. I'm not saying shit about him because he seems like the type that would hunt me down and kill me if I had anything negative to say.

Moving on.

Well, actually, thats it. I went to the dirty diner by the crib for breakfast (at 3am) and then I walked my ass back home.

 I fucking love this city.

C'mon let your colours burst!

Don't you just love it when you actually DO the things you say that you wanna do? I swear its like a pat on the ass, "Good job, self!"

Last Friday I put my money where my mouth is and got my septum pierced.  I was scared shitless but I felt like I HAD to/NEEDED to do it.  I had been talking about it for ages to the point where even my boss was like, "dude, wtf? when are u doing it already?" (well, she ain't really say all that, but she she implied it). I had asked everyones opinion (which actually didn't even matter) what they thought about it and despite the overwhelming NO YOU'RE GONNA LOOK LIKE AN ANIMAL responses I got, I decided it was crucial to go through with it.

I was gonna go out to Queens to this little cheapie spot on Jamaica Ave but, well, thats like going to the other side of the universe from Brooklyn, so I Googled it, naturally.  About .20 seconds later, I found the perfect place.

I saw the website for Maria Tash's Soho shop and it looked too legit to quit. It had all this talk about 'celebrity clients' and the price for what I wanted done was only $30. And it was in Soho. So hoe, I went in.

The place looked like a high end jewelry store, with chandeliers, glass cases, and white walls. I thought I was in the wrong place.  Then I peeped the artwork of some blonde chicks snorting diamonds, and the salesperson had these sick dermals on his arms and a straight bar through his septum. I also saw a thick binder full of pictures of the owner with all of her celeb clients (Uma Thurman, Christina, Britney, Jessica Alba, Penelope Cruz, etc). Then I was all, 'Aiiight, I guess I'll stay'.

The salesperson approached me and I asked him to give me some info on septum piercing, right? Well, of course I had to be all dramatical and whatnot so I told the guy how I was scared off my ass that there would be some freak accident and I'd bleed to death. I kept to myself that I also feared I'd lose my sense of smell kinda like people who get their boobs done and lose feeling in their nipples. He assured me that I'd be fine and started showing me thee most bossiest septum rings (?) I could've imagined. The cutest ones were like full circles with stones all around them. Bet bitches wouldn't say I looked like a bull with this shit right here! I was all set. Piercing itself was thirty and by this time I had already figured out that I'd have to pay for the jewlry seperately. Cool. How much is my lil bling gonna run me? I shouldn't really go over $30, but you know, this is my FACE we're talking about. And the salesguy kept reiterating it'd better be something I love

cuz I'd have to live with it for two months blah, blah, blah.....

"Those start at about $250"

Silencio.

This kid starts talking diamonds and silvers and shit while I'm standing there like I blew a bubble and someone literally pulled out a pin and popped it. Eff it, in my head I had imagined leaving out with the regular bull-looking ring anyways. He showed me the lil bitch ass plain ones and $40 later I was ready to check out. After they conned me into buying some magic saline wipes and tipping my piercer before I even met them, I was out of damn near $100. I should've took my arse to Queens.

They sent me up this narrow staircase that lead to one sofa and two doors. There were a few people ahead of me as well as people in the rooms behind those two doors. I waited for an eternity. I had talked myself in and out of going through with it maybe a hundred million times. I had made a game of guessing who was getting what pierced and who was just there for support.  I had no support, of course ('cuz I'm a boss lol) but one of the girls in front of me brought a supporter who almost vomited on my Chuckers due to nausea. Can you say FAIL? There was also a lady there who was getting 'IT' pierced. I figured it out because she had on this dress that was just too awkward for a warm, NYC evening at a piercing place. That, and well, the piercer lady came and told me how she can't get my jewelry from the one room because there was a genital piercing getting done. I also heard some girls down the stairs talking about when they got their 'IT's done.  I guess thats what all the cool kids are doing these days.

Finally the doors opened, the freaky lady left and it was my turn. Thank goodness the piercer I got was a little hottie. Within minutes I was on my back (#pause) and I remember repeating to myself, "You better not fucking cry!".  I kept my eyes closed through the entire thing. Had I seen what he was planning on doing to me, I probably would've ran. Most of it was actually painless- except for the part that was excruciatingly painful. I was fine until he told me to take a deeeeep breath. I ain't no fool. I knew what that shit meant. Luckily, that part only lasted long enough for me to say "Oh, Shit!" and he was done. I didn't even have enough time to really curse myself out for doing such an idiotic, pointless, impulsive thing to my mug. Thank God.

I was in complete aftershock for the entire rest of the day. It felt like every mirror I looked into was lying to me. I was in utter disbelief. I've had my nose pierced before but it was the normal Tupac one :). Immediately I had feelings of "Why did I do this?" and then I grew to love it. With this one, I was on the fence for about two days. Now, I am inlovedotcom. That first day, a few folks had some slick shit to say and I'm not gonna front, I was feeling some kind of way about it. Then, this girl who was 100% AGAINST me getting it said to me, "It looks really cute....That is so YOU!!!..." and just like that I remembered....

I'm a fucking FIREWORK!*!*!*!

Doing the things that I want to do is what I do best. Letting other people's bullshit issues/norms/insecurities rub off on me is sooo late. My life right now revolves around change as well as my pursuit of self and happiness. That's really all that matters.

p.s. pray you never have to be around me when this song comes on. you won't recognize the white girl I morphe into lol

Wheeerre's Yoourrr Heeaad Attttttt?

If you've ever worked retail, I'm sure you're familiar with the term 'inventory'. At some point throughout the year most retail stores do an in-depth one where they pretty much count every single thing they actually  have on hand and compare it to what they should have on hand.  These measurements/calculations (or whatever you want to call it) are then used to help the company learn about itself and grow (seriously, I just left work and I'm NOT trying to get too in detail about this shit for the sake of this story).

But....

Every now and then I like to apply this principle to my life. Like now. I would look at what I have (not material shit, duh), what I want to have, and what I'm doing to make the two meet. Then I would devise a plan based on what I'm not doing and put it into motion.

 When I start to feel lost, unmotivated, directionless or confused I usually retreat. In the past, I'd stop whatever I'm doing and start fresh. It's always been easier that way than to try to sift through the catastrophe that is my normal life and try to make some sense of it. I'd re-draft my life 'plan' (trust, I use the word 'plan' VERY loosely) and reschedule my goals and shit.  This time is different though. I'm not trying to start over. I think I've grown out of that phase. I almost like where I am in life right now. I want to reconstruct/upgrade it, not detroy and rebuild it.

I'm not sure I know how to do that.
I need a therapist.
Do you know anybody?




but....

On the flip side of that, I see myself making progress as far as my personality and character goes.

Its so weird. Sometimes its almost as if I'm standing outside of myself watching me transform into this almost entirely new woman. And its happening so naturally that it's freaking me out. I'm starting to become who I always wanted to be without even trying at all. Some of the quirks I had for years and years are slowly disappearing. I've become alot more assertive in my old age (ha!), a little more direct and even though I'm not exactly where I want to be with it, I'm seeing more bravado coming out in little spurts.

I love this part of growing up.

 
So back to the topic.

I'm feeling some kind of thing coming on.. I dont know what to call it though. It's not a spiritual enlightenment. It's not a reinvention. It's not a detox. I just want to get re-centered. I want to get more in-tune with myself. Real talk, reading this blog (especially the ones about crushes) got me a little annoyed with myself.  Who cares if some doucher knows or dont knows :) my name? Fuck I look like?

 

The boycrazy look does not fit me well. I'm quite embarrassed.

 

Moving on *Tim Gunn voice*

This shall be a work in progress. I don't actually think I need to lay a plan down for what I plan to do with myself....well, actually, maybe I should. 

Meanwhile...

 

C.R.U.S.H

You know how when you're watching videos on YouTube, there's that little list of 'Suggestions' on the right side? Well, somehow I ended up watching a series of videos from this guy with this hot accent.  At first, it was purely for shallow entertaining purposes but then I started to listen and figured he may be on to something.




I'm not gonna lie, it's kind of bullshit but given my current predictament I need not throw rocks from my glass house. I have developed yet another kindergarten crush (I hate that the 'boy crazy' phase just hit me at 24) and the damn fool doesn't even know I exist. I think. Until I saw this one.
 



Proximity, Touch, Body Language, Smile.
Fuck if I know, man! I think I have like two out of those four going with this guy. I swear I wish I knew how to read minds right now.  Or that I was some enchanted seductress lady or something. Or that I had enough balls to just go for it.
 



Yeah, right. Who does that anyways?!?
 
Never in one miiiiilliooon years would I ever put myself in a position to be played so brutally like that. And I don't get why people act like I'm the looney one for not going up to a guy all like, "Hey, I'm new in town, show me around/ Can I call you/Do you wanna hang out?". Can you imagine? What if the guy is like, "Um, no thanks/I dont like you like that" lmfao. I'd be mortified. For some God forsaken reason, I just think thats a lil lame with a hint of desperation, you know, for girls.Only in situations like the one I'm in though. I've been around this kid for what seems like forEVER and never really talked much to him until I realized I might think he's hot. Now, quite naturally, I can't speak to him at all. He has to cease to exist immediately. Or show some interest in me as well. One or the other. Or maybe I could stop being a drama queen, take the stick out of my ass and live a little. But thats a big maybe.
 
I HATE having crushes. It is soooooo gay, no homo. I hate feeling all smiley and shit around folks and not being able to even say someones name. I hate actively trying to not make an ass of myself. I hate running out of rooms and ducking under tables when I see people. Basically I hate the freakshow that I become when I have a crush.
 
 And for what? My crushes never last that long. I had a friend say to me "What? Did he wear the wrong shoes or something?" when I told her that I didn't have a crush on this one guy anymore. I swear there is some psychological shit behind me not ever wanting to evolve pass the 'crush' phase. I dont know, they just fade. I would think that would fall under my 'freakshow' file but I saw this vid which reassured I'm not the only re-re who thinks like this.
 



This video is a mouthful. He's right about this whole 'crush' business. And as far as I know, of the 5 ways to tell he's not interested in you, I only have one :) :he doesn't know my name. And the whole part about how its dumb being into someone thats not into you.....well he can kiss my ass on that one.  Jk. He's right. This guy I'm crushing could possibly be an asshole, which is why it took me over three months to actually pay attention to him and see how hot he is.  But, I mean, it's just a fucking crush. Who cares? I do, a lil. Or at least enough to not ever speaketh a word to my mans.
 
Nah, I'm good. It's funner this way :)
 



C is for your confidence, Boy I love the cool in you


R is for rumors they make, I wish that they were true

U, you put a smile on my face, you're unforgettable

S is for your sexiness

H I gotta have it

I gotta crush on you, I love me some you

I don't see no-body

When I visited Detroit last month I got the chance to hang out with one of my favorite people in the world, my faux bro Jarrod. Usually when we hang out, I'm in his world. Gay bars/clubs, drag shows, parades, the whole nine. But this time, for the first time, he came over to Straightland to spend time with me and my two normal friends at MGM casino on a Saturday night.

Ensembled in complete IDGAF attire we strutted on in, he in aqua skinnies and knockoff Maison Martin Margiela sunnies (that I had just given him) and me in all black, cape and nerd spectacles included. I was determined to make the night chock full of fun.

After tiring of watching people win/lose money and losing a bit ourselves, we readied to leave after about an hour. So, this is actually where the story begins. As we're walking towards the door, I was starting to have some kind of epiphany. I was looking around like, damn, at one point in my life, this scene wouldve probably impressed me. People watching at the casino used to be my shit. Now it just seemed pathetic, as if everyone was attempting to put on a show but no one was actually accomplishing it. In the midst of this epiphany, I start hearing lil shit. Then I start noticing looks and laughs.

I'm hearing comments about Lenny Kravitz, sweetness and all kinds of "hellll naawwll"-s...all directed at my boo. While my face is doing all types of contortions, bloods boiling and minds tryna find the most perfect, disrespectful, ego butchering response that wont get us killed, Jarrod is stalking through that bitch like we're auditioning for America's Next Top Model. Head high, glasses on, satchel swaying.

I was stunned.

I've never really beasted on ANYONE just out of the blue like that, let alone on grown men who could easily take me out the game with one swift move but right then, I was ready for whatever. Bitch grew balls in like 2.5 seconds. These bitches were not about to disrespect my friend like that when he didnt even do anything to provoke them other than be himself. But when I saw my friend so unphased by it, I decided it was just best that I shut the fuck up. So I lifted my head a lil higher and did my best strut right behind him. I didnt say anything to him about it but I couldnt help but obsess about it in my head.

There have been so many occassions that he's called me with stories about homophobic assholes coming at him any kind of way at his job and in his personal life. I always listen in utter shock and try to visualize it happening in my head. I always try to come up with a solution or a way that he could've handled the situation.

Seeing it in person completely blew mine. I think it was that moment that I realized just how difficult it must be to be him. To have to deal with that shit while you're just trying to pursue your own personal happiness?Fuck.Outta.Here. It just really made alot of shit click for me. Hearing stories about people killing themselves over not being accepted and/or being tormented because of their sexual orientation used to put me in an almost disturbing mindset. On one hand, I would feel fucked up that someone lost their life behind something like that but on the other hand I would feel like people needed to get a little more backbone (pause) in their lives. Now, I think its all bullshit. Regardless of the haters, Born This Way is boss on the strength of the message alone that she's putting out there for people who dont already embrace the importance of loving oneself first and truly not giving a shit if other people can fuck with that. Jarrod became a true boss in my book that night. Now that I think about it, the way he handled it was pretty fucking dope. He moved through a room full of haters as if they werent even there, as if they didnt even matter, which was appropriate because they didnt.

i dont see no-body